It was always here, like a secret door you’ve been trying to kick in for years.
And then, in the midst of this trial, as you hang your head in defeat, you notice that around your neck you are wearing a key.
— Jillian Horton, We Are All Perfectly Fine: A Memoir of Love, Medicine and Healing (HarperCollins Publishers, February 23, 2021)
Notes: Image: Daryn Stumbaugh via Unsplash
718 days. Almost consecutive. Like in a row. Morning walk @ Cove Island Park @ Daybreak.
Ritual is all we have. It’s what keeps us from the abyss.” It’s Jillian Horton’s thought from “We Are All Perfectly Fine,” and there’s zero doubt that she wrote it thinking of me.
Perfectly Fine? Definitely not.
I round the turn into the parking lot. It’s empty. I mean Empty. Not a single parked car. Not a single soul lurking around.
My park. My time. Mine.
I walk.
45° F with 10 mph winds blowing from the NW, keeping this Spring’s Here thing real.
Inhale.
Blossoms.
“…as if a rose were flung into the room, all hue and scent” (Szymborska).
And then, came the Trifecta.
(The first being here, alive, standing in this spot, at this moment.)
The second, Luna peaks out from behind the clouds. And drops her beam down on Long Island Sound.
And the third, at this exact moment, turning up randomly on my iTunes playlist of 3000+ odd tunes — My Anthem. Van Morrison, So Quiet in Here.
Where we can be what we want to be
Oh this must be what paradise is like
This must be what paradise is like
Baby it’s so quiet in here, so peaceful in here
So quiet in here, so peaceful in here
So quiet in here, so peaceful in here
So quiet in here, you can hear, it’s so quiet
I raise my camera, focus on the train of her gown, and take the shot.
I’m going to remember this.
Notes:
I’m tired.
I want to build a cushion nest in a space under one of the windows where there’s a patch of sunlight and go to sleep.
— Jillian Horton, We Are All Perfectly Fine: A Memoir of Love, Medicine and Healing
Notes:
Start close in,
don’t take the second step
or the third,
start with the first thing close in,
the step
you don’t want to take…
Do I have a first step I don’t want to take? …
What would it be, this step I don’t want to take?
— Jillian Horton, We Are All Perfectly Fine: A Memoir of Love, Medicine and Healing. Poem by David Whyte: “Start Close In”
Image: Carolina Pimenta, Arts Center, Riberia Grande, Portugal (via Unsplash)
I could get into med school.
Couldn’t I?
I could. I would. I did. But there was a complicating factor. Right after a thick acceptance letter arrived from Mac, another envelope came. This one had a postmark from the U.K. I was being offered a full scholarship to go to Oxford for a PhD in English.
The medical school acceptance letter was printed by a computer; the package from Oxford included a personal invitation on crinkly yellow paper to drink sherry with tutors. I could picture my new Oxford life: I’d have a bike with a basket, and spend hours at the Bodleian. The real white cliffs of Dover. Weekends in Paris. Wool sweaters from the highlands, and a hearth and a stone fireplace older than anyone I had ever met. Bookshelves full of Yeats and Tennyson, and a room of my own, like Virginia Woolf’s. A place where the words could pour out of my heart and onto the page, and maybe someday those pages would find their way onto other shelves, maybe even the Bodleian itself.
But lying awake on those tortured, miserable nights, working it all out as if it were a formula with an elusive right answer, the “Go” or “Stay” columns were really “tutors with sherry” versus my sister in her wheelchair, bent over at a forty-five-degree angle, holding her head in her hands and asking if I could please take her to the summer fair. Those tutors wanted to know my interests within postmodernism. My sister had a more basic question for me: When are you coming home? …
I didn’t need to study English at Oxford to learn the power of words. I’d already had my most important teacher. It was that doctor, yelling at my parents, There’s no brain left. He taught me that people with power have a duty to speak with care, because they have been entrusted with something fragile they have no right to break. He helped me understand that medicine itself was a very specific kind of power, one I would never, ever abuse, because I knew it was sacred. And anyway, I wasn’t drawn to power. I was drawn to medicine because it was my calling, the way a bird is drawn to the song of its own kind.
That was the only contest Wendy won in her whole life. She drew me home. Not out of pity, but out of love and its attendant duty, and a sense there might be things in life that would matter more to me in twenty years than whether I had a PhD from Oxford or had seen the Bodleian. So one day that summer, I was able to look Wendy in the eye and tell her something she would forget a few minutes later: because of her, I was going to be a doctor. And in a few years, I’d be coming home.
— Jillian Horton, We Are All Perfectly Fine: A Memoir of Love, Medicine and Healing (HarperCollins Publishers, February 23, 2021)
Notes:
Live & Learn 