(and then) I take root.

Then I’d promised Fi his favorites—oxtail stew with grits and greens—as soon as I had an operating kitchen, my pots and pans unpacked. Also, baked apples, Epsom salt baths, peppermint oil foot rubs, hot water bottles, green tea, honey, lemon, ginger, and garlic in everything: I treat my children as if they’re faddish Edwardian lepidopterists when they’re tired, poorly, under strain. “I can’t wait to feed you properly,” I’d said. I’d told him how much I’d missed feeding him: all that gathering of ingredients, all those hours in fragrant steam, the piles of food, plates wiped clean. It grounds me to feed my children; they eat and I take root.

Alexandra Fuller, Fi: A Memoir of My Son (Grove Press, April 9, 2024)
 

Selected as one of the Best Books of 2024 (so far) by NY Times Book Review. Review by David Sheff: “A Mother’s Devastating Memoir of Losing Her Adult Son. In “Fi,” Alexandra Fuller describes the sudden death of her 21-year-old.”

Epilogue: All Doubts Gone

And so here we are, with an update to yesterday’s post: “Walking. All Self-Doubt…Gone.”

We do have a Disney ending to this debacle, and I can hear all the joyful tittering rattling the internet grid.

And for the record, let me acknowledge three courageous followers of high character who did not buckle to all of the others (aka Girl-Power-Club) who relayed this sentiment in one form or another: “I’m disappointed DK, in your failure to be a Man.” Talk about a gut punch, right?

And Yes, a happy ending. But, no, don’t get ahead of yourself. I didn’t make a follow-up trip and drag the water soaked timber out of the water. And no, Cara didn’t get and won’t get an apology, not now or ever. What’s right is right, and I’m right. (again)

And, when it is the darkest, you can always count on your Family to be there when you need them most.

Cara’s 16 year old Son JJ came to the rescue.

Continue reading “Epilogue: All Doubts Gone”

How much? Everything.

Late last night, inspecting Santa’s handiwork, a simple thought occurred to me. A decade or so from now, when, say, I’m waiting for my son to come home from college for his winter break, and, when he does, he wants to spend his time going out with his friends — how much will I be willing to pay then to be able to go back in time, for one day, to now, when he’s eight years old, he wants to go to movies and play games and build Lego kits with me, and he believes in magic?

How much then, for one day with what my family has right now? How much? Everything.

The truth is, I’m the luckiest person in the world today. I hope you are too.

John Gruber, “Merry” (Daring Fireball, December 25, 2011)

Walking. With #1 Son.

383 consecutive days. Like in a Row. Morning Walk to Cove Island Park. You’ll say, impossible. I’m telling you, you don’t understand the Wiring. Only 1 day during the streak that put it in jeopardy, and that’s a story for another day.

Back to this morning’s walk.  Eric’s on My Mind.

We set up a makeshift office for him in the attic.  A white IKEA desk. A desk chair from Staples. A floor mat under the chair from Amazon. A small single bed against the wall.  And there he hibernates. 

Late night, he shifts in the chair, the floorboards creak, his office directly above the Master bedroom. His chair directly on top of me, sleeping. He’ll be editing his photos, the same photos for hours. Days. The penguin from South Africa, that one up top, took weeks. Deliberate. Meticulous. Punctilious. Like a Professional.

He crawls into bed at ~3 a.m. About the time when his Dad, me, stirs, getting ready for his Daybreak walk. Continue reading “Walking. With #1 Son.”

Thanksgiving Morning

Quiet has many moods. When our sons are home, their energy is palpable. Even when they’re upstairs sleeping I can sense them, can feel the house filling with their presence, expanding like a sail billowed with air. I love the dawn stillness of a house full of sleepers, love knowing that within these walls our entire family is contained and safe, reunited, our stable four-sided shape resurrected.

~ Katrina Kenison, Magical Journey: An Apprenticeship in Contentment 


Photo: DK, home, Thanksgiving Day, Nov 26, 2020. 55° & Rain.