Funny – Live & Learn

Walking Cross Town. And Doubt Farming.

September 9, 2017 by David Kanigan 37 Comments

Take 7.

Yep, 7th attempt to produce something, Anything, Something, Anything, that’s worthy.

I’m walking across Manhattan on 47th street and the weight bears down. Tuesday morning after a long weekend. Shoes feel heavy. Shoulders slouched. A Sherpa hauling a full load.

It’s 9 days and counting. I’ve run out of puppy pictures. I’ve finished Will Schwalbe’s Books for a Living and I’m finished with my quotidian shares of his wisdom.

So, I conduct an autopsy of the prior six attempts on partially completed blog posts:

Take 1: How I gained 10 lbs in 30 days and still feel good about me.
- (23% complete. Tired topic.)

Take 2: How I, an introvert, primed a large group of employees at a networking event.
- (83% complete, and Quit. Too anxious to finish, too anxious to share.)

Take 3: Favorite songs on 7 on 70’s on Sirius. The angelic voice of Karen Carpenter with Top of the World (’72)…I’m on the top of the world looking down on creation – – followed by Meatloaf with Paradise by the Dashboard (’77)…Though it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night…I can see paradise by the dashboard light…Ain’t no doubt about it…We were doubly blessed…Ain’t no doubt about it…
- (17% complete. Despite a continuing irresistible urge to lip sync “Ain’t no doubt about it…we were doubly blessed…Tired theme. Deleted.)

Flying Over I-40 N. With Manners. With None.

August 19, 2017 by David Kanigan 43 Comments

Friday morning, 7:30 a.m.
DFW to Laguardia
American Flight 1140
Aisle Seat 12D.
All events real (not enacted) and on same flight.

The Good:

One row back and across to my left.
- Three children ages 5-12 quietly eating pancakes with plastic forks and knives. Napkins draped on laps.
One row back and across to my right.
- Single Mother breast feeds infant while occupying another toddler with crayons and coloring book. 3 hour flight, both children occupied and quiet.
To my right.
- 6’3″ seat mate, draws unlucky middle seat, respects shared armrest for entire flight.

The Bad:

At gate waiting to board.
- Man (~30) pulls roller board over my shoe, oblivious to infraction, and then stands directly in front of me waiting for his Zone to be called.
Boarding Plane.
- Man in aisle jams his oversized roller board into the overhead. It won’t fit, no chance, no how. He keeps jamming. Long line builds behind him. “Sir, you’ll need to check that bag, please.“
One row up, in middle seat.
- A Pilot (in uniform) is catching this flight home for the weekend. He presses the recline button on his seat, leans back heavily, slamming his seat into the knees of the tall, young lady. She grimaces, rubs her knee, adjusts her skirt and simmers in silence.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Inspire, Life, Photography, Quotes Tagged With: Art, Funny, Inspirational, manners, Photography, polite, Quotes, rude, Story, Travel

Monday Morning: Let’s Go.

August 14, 2017 by David Kanigan 24 Comments

Filed Under: Photography, Quotes Tagged With: alfa romeo, car, cute, Dog, Funny, Great Dane, Inspirational, Monday, morning, Pet, Photography, Quotes, ride, vintage

Riding Metro North. Est-ce-réel?

July 28, 2017 by David Kanigan 34 Comments

It came Monday afternoon, an Amazon order. Tall, soft and plastic, the kind that you would see end up with other marine debris choking the life out of Nemo in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Calm is stenciled in 80 point font on the cylindrical container. “Natural Vitality Natural Calm Calmful Sleep Magnesium Anti Stress Extra Sleep Support, Organic, Wildberry, 16 oz.”

Bullsh*t. No chance this works but desperate people need to take desperate…

“Natural Vitality Natural Calm Calmful.”

Seriously? Really? Who writes their copy? What idiot would buy something with this lead?

I yank off the seal, tilt, then look down inside. The soft, white pillowy substance slides to one side and then the other. Contents may settle. Product sold by weight not volume“. It has settled below the half way mark. $28.49. Bullsh$t. Shysters. At least get it above halfway. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Inspire, Life, Quotes Tagged With: commute, dream, Funny, insomnia, Inspirational, Psychology, Quotes, Sleep, Story, Train

T.G.I.F.: It’s been a long week

July 21, 2017 by David Kanigan 32 Comments

Parked outside my therapist’s office, I watched another therapist attempt to parallel park. When you grow up on a rural reservation, you only have to park parallel to the earth, so I was impressed as she parked skillfully in a very narrow space. But I guess it wasn’t quite parallel enough, so she pulled out of the space and tried again. And again. I thought she parked well, but she thought otherwise. She parked, pulled out, parked, pulled out, parked, and pulled out for at least ten minutes. Finally, she parked in a way that pleased her. Or maybe she just abandoned the effort. But as she stepped out of her car and walked toward her office, I thought, “Damn, I want that one to be my therapist.”

~ Sherman Alexie, “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me: A Memoir”

Portrait: Sherman Alexie

Filed Under: Inspire, Photography, Quotes Tagged With: Funny, Mind, Parking, Psychology, Quotes, sherman alexie, therapy, thoughts

Riding Metro North. And Brooding.

July 14, 2017 by David Kanigan 52 Comments

6:16 am train to Grand Central. No seats, need to stand. I wait until the first stop at Stamford and then shoe horn myself across from a lady in a bright, pumpkin colored dress. In order to fit, I need to sit on a diagonal with my knees in the aisle. Pumpkin shifts her knees to the right to avoid contact. The top of her left knee has a deep burn mark, her right knee is clean. Listen, in these close quarters, it’s impossible not to notice. I shift uncomfortably. Personal space inadequate, we’re bordering on claustrophobia here. It’s the trade you made friend, stand for an hour or this…so this is it.

The Suit to my left is asleep. Meaning, like dead to the world. Rip’s hands hug a hard cover book against his chest; a monogrammed cover, title unknown.

I turn to my morning reading. A blog post by Beth @ Alive on All Channels: “These People Are Not Drowning Today.” Pacino in Taxi Driver pops to mind: You talkin’ to me?. She’s certainly is not talkin’ to me. My eyes flick down the page and catch a passage from Zen teacher Barry Magid: “Leave Yourself Alone“:

“The paradox…is that the most effective way of transformation is to leave ourselves alone. The more we let everything be just what it is, the more we relax into an open, attentive awareness of one moment after another. Just sitting leaves everything just as it is.” [Read more…]

Filed Under: Inspire, Life, Photography, Quotes Tagged With: barry magid, Change, Funny, Gratitude, Inspirational, Life, Martha Beck, meditation, Mind, Peace, Psychology, Quotes, Story, Zen

Count down…

July 10, 2017 by David Kanigan 34 Comments

Source: Peteski

Filed Under: Inspire, Life, Quotes Tagged With: doubt, Funny, insomnia, Mind, Psychology, Sleep, thoughts

It’s just doubt, that’s the biggest thing.

July 5, 2017 by David Kanigan 13 Comments

You’ve been doing stand-up since the late ‘80s. Do you remember your worst night?

Oh, there are so many of them. In the beginning, there are endless amounts of worst nights. But there was one, after “Everybody Loves Raymond” had been on for a year, out at the University of Florida’s Gator Growl. It’s in the stadium, like, 30,000 people, Dave Chappelle, Larry the Cable Guy and me. Five minutes in, I heard a woman yell out, “You better start getting funny.”

Anything you miss about those early days?

There was something gratifying about going up onstage in front of a room full of total strangers. They’ve never seen you in their life, and they’re kind of like, who is this guy? And then you win that crowd over. That will never happen again, only because somebody in the audience has seen me. Seinfeld said, they give you the first 10 minutes if you’re well known. But you still gotta be funny.

When you first started taking on dramatic roles, what was your biggest worry?

You wonder, are you any good? It’s just doubt, that’s the biggest thing. The desire is there. But then I also want to be a pro golfer, and that’s never gonna happen.

You still have worries like that?

Oh yeah. No matter how successful you are. I hear that from other comedians all the time. You’re just waiting for the funny police to come and arrest you as an impostor.

~ Robert Ito, excerpts from his interview with Ray Romano in “Ray Romano Still Fears the ‘Funny Police’” (NY Times, June 30, 2017)

Photo of Ray Romano: Aces Comedy