Tag: Regret

In those moments, you know in your heart what it is you have to do

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This is what happens. You’re cast out into the world and spend your life instinctively gathering. Love, sex, family, friends, houses, cars, experiences. You never stop gathering. And it’s only as you get older that you start to notice the things you’re losing along the way. And that’s when regret starts to grow like a tumor in your belly. But there are rare moments of clarity when you can see your life laid out in front of you. All the cogs and the wheels. The right and wrong turns. The triumphs and heartaches. And in those moments, you can actually catch sight of the things that really matter. The things that make you whole. The things without which you’re heaven instantly becomes the hell of your own making. In those moments, you know in your heart what it is you have to do, what it is you have to save… at any cost.

— Coop (Jon Hamm), Your Friends & Neighbors (S1: E6, “The Things You Lost Along the Way”)

Lightly Child, Lightly.

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“You know what this entire session has been about, don’t you?”

No, I said.

“It’s about being forced to sum up. Looking at your life. Asking yourself if you’ve truly lived it. Asking yourself what you’ve really got to leave behind. This is something everybody has to face. It’s hard to face. But if you face it now, and make whatever changes you need to make, you’re going to have a shot at dying peaceful.”

— Joan Didion, in a discussion with her therapist, in Notes to John (Knopf, April 22, 2025)

Notes:

  • NY Times Book Review: “Peeking into Joan Didion’s Years of Psychological Thinking. Drawn from her previously unpublished reflections on sessions with a therapist, “Notes to John” is at once slightly sordid and utterly fascinating.”
  • Guardian Book Review: “‘I dealt with everyone at a distance’: what do Joan Didion’s therapy diaries reveal about guilt, motherhood and writing?
  • The Atlantic: Joan Didion’s Books Should Have Been Enough.”
  • Post Title & Inspiration: Aldous Huxley: “It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.

Lightly Child, Lightly.

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Still, ritual is journey, atonement is real.
As you lay dying, I asked,
What is your biggest regret?
Every kindness withheld, you said.
Every flicker of pleasure denied, you said.
Look, you said, sunlight.

— Chris Abani, from “Ritual Is Journey” in “Sanctificum” (Copper Canyon Press; April 1, 2010)

Notes:

  1. Post Title & Inspiration: Aldous Huxley: “It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.
  2. Poem Source from orpheuslament
  3. Chris Abani bio and portrait via Poetry Foundation

Maybe I’m not so bad after all

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He recognizes that when we forgive ourselves for being flawed and human, we naturally spread that forgiveness to others. Forgive yourself every morning, every night, every few minutes, if that’s what it takes….You tell yourself again and again: I am doing my best. And in fact, every life is an impossible tangle of mistakes. Flailing confusedly, craving more love, more safety, less loneliness isn’t just human; it’s the signature move of every human alive.

What’s incredibly sad but ultimately hopeful is that by the end of his book, Mr. Perry seemed to be waking up to the simple joys of gratitude, connection and empathy. He seemed ready to forgive himself for not living up to his own perfectionist standards….

His honesty in the face of his enormous pain should remind us that all human lives are formed from a tangle of mistakes. We will all mess up, today and tomorrow, but forgiveness shapes us into something less punitive and more sublime, a person who offers love instead of demanding it, a person who seeks peace instead of vengeance, a person who has the courage to say what Mr. Perry finally says to himself at the very end of his book:

“I look out at the water, and I say very quietly, ‘Maybe I’m not so bad after all.’”

— Heather Havrilesky, from “Matthew Perry Told the Truth About Everything” (NY Times, November 3, 2023). Matthew Perry, 54, died October 28, 2023.

Matthew Perry Portrait from People Magazine, October 29, 2023: Matthew Perry Once Said He’d Give Up Fame and Fortune to Avoid Facing Addiction: ‘I Would Trade It All’

Tuesday Morning Wake-Up Call

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I don’t know about you Coach. But I hope that either all of us or none of us are judged by the actions of our weakest moments, but rather by the strength we show when and if we’re ever given a second chance.
 
— Ted Lasso, “Mom City” (S3, E11)