WFH. (Work From Home). No shoes. No socks. Chained to the desk. Lower back groans.
HBR: “The risk is substantial. The lines between work and non-work are blurring… (those) who feel “on” all the time are at a higher risk of burnout when working from home than if they were going to the office as usual.”
I pause for a few page turns of Yiyun Li, Dear Friend, from My Life I Write to You in Your Life: “being caught by the mesh of one’s mind.”
Friday Night. 11:30 pm. Everyone in bed – but me. I’ve shifted positions, from desk to couch. I’m clearing out a swollen email box. 214. 210. 198. 175. 143. 138. 117. 18 hours. Calls. Conference Calls. Conference Calls. Conference Calls. 110. 108. 106. 104. 101. 99.
Get up to stretch. Walk to the kitchen. Grab a ramekin. Scoop out 3 heaping tablespoons of Talenti, tamp it down, lean in on the spoon again, add another scoop. Today, Talenti for late breakfast, for dinner, and again, now, at midnight. Mint Chocolate chip. Close eyes. Gelato slides down throat, soothing. The only thing that is.
88. 85. 84. 83. Losing focus. Re-reading same email 2x. Replies are littered with spelling mistakes. Autocorrect, correcting incorrectly. F-** it. I send it anyway. Does it really matter. Lose. Loose. Lose.
81. 79. 64.
Back to Yiyun Li. “Even the most inconsistent person is consistently himself.”
63. 62. 59. 57. 56. 54. 53. Li: “Wanting nothing is as extreme as wanting everything.”
50. 47. 43. 41. Li: “Did we ever ask ourselves: Why are we so lonely, so proud, and so adamant about perfecting our pretense?”
40. 39. 38. 37. 34. 32. Li: “we are, unlike other species, capable of not only enlarging but also diminishing our precarious selves”
30. 29. 27. I’m closing in on clearing my cue, but like Sisyphus, the closer I get to zero, the steeper the hill seems to get.
26. 25. 24. 23. Neck aches. I mean aches. I turn, twist to adjust my position. 23 left. Come on. Bring it home.
I stare at the remaining cue. And stare. And stare.
And quit.
I gently set my iPhone on night stand. Twist in the earbuds, skim to find Chill Playlist, and hit Play. But Yiyun Li can’t help herself, and lip syncs over it.
…the worst kind of fidgeting is that of one’s mind…I wonder…—not that one has known…but that one knows…This ceaseless effort—
Notes: Photo – Shibari & Photo Geoffroy Tako Baud. Model Lafille Delair (via Newthom)
