Running. With Moobs.

Posted on by Live & Learn

Kramer-Man-Boobs-Bra-Moob-Seinfeld

5:00 am. 75F. 89% humidity. Need to get a jump on the heat. Weatherman calling for 91F by noon. It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity. Right. (Bullsh*t.) I’m off.

Feeling good. Three consecutive days of running. Not bad. Yet, a bigger deal? Avoiding all food intake after 7pm last night. Now, this, this, was a major accomplishment. A single break in habit. A lifetime of four more-than-square meals a day. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Bed-Time Snack. (A hard Pivot? A Break? Hmmmmm. More like a kink in a fire hose. Or overnight bout of constipation. Dam will burst. It’s just a question of when. And it won’t be pretty.) But…let’s focus on the positive here. Six days into my Biggest Loser Campaign and the trend is my friend.

Back to the run. I was overdue for a Running post. I’m 1/2 mile out and start thinking of topics. My thoughts soften and turn to AWARENESS…GRATITUDE…WONDER…BEAUTY…PEACE. I look. And see a rabbit. Then a robin. Followed by hundreds of geese, ducks, swans…feeding at low tide. Then a middle-aged couple walking their overweight bulldog; he’s panting, his long, fat, sloppy tongue dangling inches from the road. “Good morning!”. As I pass, I notice the man’s shirt, wet from perspiration, wet stains around his boobies.

And just like that, my cozy Zen place evaporated. To yesterday. I’m trying on a new, v-neck t-shirt. My Eric (19, on summer vacation, jobless and lovin’ it) is lying on the couch with his laptop and surfing…and intermittently popping his head up. Are you kidding Dad? That’s a Euro-look. A young Euro look. Go look in the mirror. Look at how that shirt accentuates your man-boobs. Your Moobs! You can’t go out in that shirt…

I twitch. I wobble. And prepare to launch a counter punch. I stare at him. He’s grinning. (You built that house. 6’3″ strapping man-boy with mouth. Thousands of your jabs, pokes, cuts, slams, criticisms, verbal barbs and wave upon wave of sarcastic-snide comments – and you’re surprised? Johnny Cash is singing “Boy Named Sue” in the background: “Son, this world is rough. And if a man’s gonna make it, he’s gotta be tough.” I’ve prepped him well. Now he’s turned the big guns on me. What delicious irony.)

I don’t have man-boobs!

Oh, yes you do, Dad. Yes you do.

I wander upstairs. Lock myself in the bathroom. Take the shirt off. And stare.

Man-boobs. Lord, I love this middle-age thing. The shirt is going back.

Time Check: 5 miles flat. 45 min 23 seconds.

Nap Time.

pillow, moob, funny,laugh

Sources:

  • Kramer Photograph: TNT Magazine.
  • Boob Pillow Image Modified from Pinterest. Thank you to my Family for sharing. (Nice)

Related Posts: Running Series

50 thoughts on “Running. With Moobs.”

      1. And, Kim, I had to scrap Stitch. Family just shared an new image (aren’t they so nice!) which I had inserted at bottom of post. I’m taking a nap sans the Moob Pillow.

  3. HahahahahahahaHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! David, you’ve done it…most hilarious post EVER!!! Too bad for me, though, that the word “Moobs” will be in my brain for probably most of the day today now. Thanks “strapping man-boy with mouth.” Thanks David. Hahahahaha!!!

    1. Oh, it doesn’t end there Carol. Check out the “Moob” Pillow image that the gang told me that I just had to post. I inserted it at bottom of post. 🙂

  5. This was great, and a humble to reminder to us all … but, even with moobs, you’re still lapping the one on the couch 🙂

    reading “Eat to Live” and I have to tell ya … I’ve had some epiphanies!

    MJ

      1. #1 never knew there was protein in vegetables?
        #2 if you suffer from low blood sugar, the answer isn’t more animal protein, it’s less and less wheat (that one I knew) and so on! 🙂 MJ

  6. I sooo love your running posts…congratulations on the kink you started in the firehouse! Your honesty and sense of humor make me smile! Here’s to becoming moob-free soon! 🙂

  9. Hilarious and inspiring, David. In my own war against the moobs, I’ve lost about 25 lbs since the beginning of March. Cut out the sugars and the cheap carbs. More veggies, salads, fruits, fish and protein. Still have about 18 lbs to go to be at fighting weight (and I turn 50 in three months). Keep on keeping on, my friend. You can do this!

  10. Stay the course my friend. Intake is more than half the battle … just remember how much those moobs resemble a couple of bowls of dessert!

  13. Moobs? Were you at our house yesterday? Andy and I were having a similar discussion about one of his t-shirts (or about his moobs in this particular t-shirt). Embrace the moobs Dave – it will support them while you’re running (at least that’s what I told Andy, who in turn rolled his eyes and told me I wasn’t funny at all)..

  14. Oh, lord, funny as this is, thank the Universe for the people in our lives who keep us real. Cutting out intake after 7PM is HUGE. And you’ll have lapses, which is NORMAL. Every time you jump off the horse, it sticks around so you can get back on. Moobs and all.

  16. I’m laughing so hard (not at you, with you!) reading this post. And the comments made me laugh harder! Thanks, David, laughter is good for the abs…:)

  17. Ok, I loved that Seinfeld episode about the Manzere..but the Moobs pillow is a classic.

  18. Laughing! I gave a WTF look to the photo. I had to read it all along with comments. Besides, I remember last time it was about your shorts, right? Haha. 😀 Great post.

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