Walking. Cross-Costco.

cream-puffs

We’re on a Costco run.

I’m generally not invited on Costco runs due to some Priors, some unfortunate displays of lack of self-control, some poor judgment, followed by regrets: “It won’t happen again.”

But rations were way down, there was some heavy mule work required, and so, here I am, with my adult chaperone.

The front of the store is stacked from floor to ceiling with 65″ HDTVs, deeply discounted laptops and seasonal deals on cell phones. Gadget man’s entire body is trembling, but is pulled forward with a scolding: “You don’t need any more. Come on!”

It’s 10:30 am and I’m working here on an empty stomach. The nose catches a whiff of chocolate and separately, of cheese. Sampling Stations! 

“I’ll catch up with you later.” I can feel the stink eye on my back, but first things first. I turn and head across the store, the stimulated nostrils acting as the GPS.

Triple chocolate brownies. “Thank you.” I let the chocolate melt in my mouth, close my eyes and whisper: Jesus, I’ve stepped right into Heaven.  I grab a box from the shelf and tuck it under my arm.

I find the second sampling station. Cream Puffs! “Wow, these are great.” The lady adjusts her hair net and offers: “Go ahead, try another one.” “Thanks so much.” I pop it in, bite down, the cool, sweet whipped cream coats my mouth and slides down the tummy. Can the second be better than the first? When the crowd builds around the Cream Puff station, I sneak a third. Screw the newly acquired mid-life lactose intolerance.

I keep walking, licking the sweet off my lips.

Sinbad Sweets Baklava. $8.99.  18 assorted sweets. Crispy Fillo. Honey Butter. Premium nuts. Handcrafted.  Are you kidding me? I grab a box.

Cheese Pizza Sampling Station!  Costco Kirkland Brand Frozen Cheese Pizza. Breadcrumb crust. 100% real cheese. I stare at box cover while chewing a slice. Golden bubbly brown cheese.  10-12 minutes at 425 F. $9.99 for four pizzas. I grab a box. I know what we’re having for lunch.

I keep walking.

Clementines. $6.45 for 2 dozen. Japanese Orange explosion. I need to adjust the goods under my arms to carry the load.

I keep walking.

Three loaves of fruit bread: Chocolate Cranberry, Butter Pound Bread and Pumpkin Struesel. $7.99.

The hands and arms are now fully loaded. I circle back to home base to find my chaperone, who looks up and down the composition of the load:

“Seriously, are you kidding? And wipe your face!”

I clean-up the remnants of the Cream Puffs with my sleeve, she’s shaking her head.

I look in her cart. Brussel sprouts. Corn. Lettuce. Bread. Bananas. 2% Milk. Paper towels.

I place all of my necessary supplies into the cart and bark out a warning:

“Don’t you dare touch any of these. Not a single one.”

 


Notes:

 

Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    I laughed and laughed and laughed. I wish there was a triple “Like” button for this one, David. Happy shopping!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I began reading this and immediately thought, “Nooooooo, don’t do it, step awayyyyyy from the Costco, it’s your Scylla and Charybdis, buddy! Step in and you are gonna be sucked into the void. We all know how you struggle with the siren call of molten chocolate lava!” That said, your journey made for damn fine reading. I’m expecting a running post hard on the heels of this little jaunt. Go grab the neighbor’s dog and suit up, pal…. 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Hey I represent this post! It appears we have some glorious weaknesses in common. Thank you for the Saturday morning laughs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Laugh out loud funny. And, sadly, I could relate all too well.

    Like

  5. Esam has to see this, so he knows he’s not the only one. Now he comes up with excuses to go alone, comes back in from the back door, and texts one of the kids to open the door for him. The cooperate to put it all away before I see it 😏

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hahaha. 🙂 Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Very funny. You captured the temptation of shopping at Costco so well. I love that you need a chaperone. Thanks for brightening my day.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Reblogged this on Bright, shiny objects! and commented:
    Lol. One of my favorite bloggers writes about the wonders of Costco of all things! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Anonymous says:

    Right on, Dave! Love those samples! Great laugh, ha, ha! You brightened my day! Have a merry December!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You and my husband would be dangerous at Costco – he finds such tastings irresistible, and largely explains why two adults living with children now in homes of their own, still have two fridges…

    Liked by 4 people

  11. Oh dear, David. Looks like you’re laughing all the way to Weight Watchers! I’m laughing too. See you there! You’ve captured the Costco experience perfectly! Love it!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. You can go to Costco with me any time!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. This post and the responses are hysterical! He texts the kids to open the back door–I love it! My husband just comes in through the garage and puts things away before I see them. But he’s happy, and tries to get things that I like, too.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Like my Mom ! ! ! She ends up with a $ 400 plus bill.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Olga Kanigan says:

    Very funny Dave. Moving wondering how we are going to survive without Costco.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Ha ha…Love this. I was laughing just at the title. I feel your pain, DK. In bad weather months, I use places like these huge warehouse stores for exercise. I can get away without a purchase (mostly), but those samples….ugh.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. No doubt about it. Not now not ever. I love you. And…we could never, ever-ever go to Costco together. Tell The Chaperone…she’ll be relieved.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. You are definitely my kind of guy David. I’ll meet you there any time. My husband calls it grazing, I call it lunch. :o)

    Liked by 1 person

  19. OMG, The comments…
    I just called him and said “We haven’t had cream puffs from Costco in a long time.”
    He gave me a piece of his mind loool

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I think I I know where you will be spending your days once you retire…

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Never been to Costco. Overdue.I’m motivated now. I’m going there

    Liked by 1 person

  22. it’s a good thing there are two of you

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I think I saw you the other day… You forgot the toilet paper and detergent

    Liked by 1 person

  24. That’s the beauty of going to Costco!!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. I liked your post. I would die if I ate that stuff, seriously. I suffer far too much to be the least bit tempted. Gluten intolerance. Lactose intolerance. In fact I was just saying to husband Chris this afternoon as we steamed veggies and made miso and our simple lunch, “I don’t even resent it anymore. The pain is simply not worth it.” But glad you can still have some food fun! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Wow!! looks like you should write about Costco more often! Ha I haven’t been to the Costco here yet, but if I do, I will certainly check out the healthy food section you speak of lol 👍👌👏

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Looks like I’ll have to stop at Cosco!

    Liked by 1 person

  28. David… I can’t tell you, how MUCH I miss Costco.
    So, please, just a few more outings. Tell The Boss, its “just for the blog, that’s all” – I’m waiting.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. David,
    This post described my recurring weekend jaunts to Costco with my chaperone! Loved it. She did too. Have a great Christmas. Lmk when you are in LA. Clint

    Liked by 1 person

  30. I really needed this…I went from totally depressed to LAUGHING OUT LOUD! Thanks David. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Anonymous says:

    Priceless

    Liked by 1 person

  32. I love the image of “the stink eye”. Makes me shudder slightly. If you’re like me the early days of December can be a bit miserable, as my darling spouse thinks we will enjoy Christmas more if we endure a few days of penance beforehand. So we turn off the alcohol and eat lots of plain stuff. You did well to pack a few tasty titbits into the hamster pouches to sustain you through the misery.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. 😀 So funny. And so familiar. My daughter loves it when dad comes shopping.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Anonymous says:

    Oh my gosh, Dave. Thanks for starting my day with a good laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Funniest thing you’ve ever said just may be “I’m generally not invited on Costco runs due to some Priors, some unfortunate displays of lack of self-control, some poor judgment, followed by regrets: “It won’t happen again.” and kudos for the use of Scylla and Charibdis which I have always used myself. Still laughing as you say…

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Hahahaha…Man, its a perfect Bulletholes post. You beat me to it.
    I get in trouble for dancing with the vegetables.
    And those cream puffs? If you get like 8 boxes you can make a Croquembouche.
    I’m not sure how you sneak 8 boxes out though.

    Liked by 1 person

  37. Such great writing…Ha,ha, I am a smiling….read this out loud to the sweet man and he said Cream Puffs? Costco doesn’t have Cream Puffs, I said I think in the frozen section…Your post is an instant classic!!! Being Gluten Free the samples have little to offer for me, cry, cry as I do crave some of the delectables (like the salmon chowder soup refrigerated in front of the dairy room…I am surprise no mega pack of Kirkland TP? You didn’t stop at books and calendars? Have you ventured into the land of Costco.com? (I believe they offer book downloads for less then others) They are marketing new items daily for the Twelve days of Christmas…and yes i bought a few items prior to Thanksgiving online for Christmas and the gifts are tucked away…. The sweet man and I share a Cesar Salad from the food court when we venture into the land of Abyss…I also want to personally thank you for helping to drive up the share price of Costco stock! I bought at $26.00 and I wish I would have had the money to purchase more than I did! Currently sitting at $152.00….

    Like

  38. On the way out the door to Trader Joe’s after reading their Christmas Catalog…

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Our TJ’s is small.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. Oh my gosh that was funny & classic!! Wish we could have had you wear a gopro camera to hear and watch Susan’s reactions. LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

  41. Ah, lost down the Rabbit Hole. Sweet Alice, we are all a little mad here.

    Liked by 1 person

  42. David, this is by far the funniest thing you have ever written! You could easily substitute my husband (whose name also happens to be David) and I for you and your chaperone. I am a master of the stink eye and my husband is a master of ignoring it! Thanks for the laughs!!

    Liked by 1 person

  43. oh this is epic! I can so relate to this. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  44. Oh David, I saw you. Thank you eating all the whipped cream. I’m still having tummy burns and tears in my eyes from laughing so hard all the way to the last scolding. I needed to laugh tonight.

    Liked by 1 person

  45. Laughing, love how you have to be supervised. Lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  46. It’s De. 22nd, and this post appeared in my reader again. It is no error.
    This morning I send Don (ALL BY HIMSELF) for the final Costco run of the season. This is serious business, requiring flight of foot and a keen eye!

    Liked by 1 person

  47. That was a hilarious read, David. I wished my own husband had a bit more of your “stray” tendencies. He clasps his short shopping list, goes after ONLY those items, doesn’t look left or right to look for any other goodies, so he can get the hell out of there and go to another store that he really likes (motorcycle shop?).

    Liked by 1 person

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