We’re on a Costco run.
I’m generally not invited on Costco runs due to some Priors, some unfortunate displays of lack of self-control, some poor judgment, followed by regrets: “It won’t happen again.”
But rations were way down, there was some heavy mule work required, and so, here I am, with my adult chaperone.
The front of the store is stacked from floor to ceiling with 65″ HDTVs, deeply discounted laptops and seasonal deals on cell phones. Gadget man’s entire body is trembling, but is pulled forward with a scolding: “You don’t need any more. Come on!”
It’s 10:30 am and I’m working here on an empty stomach. The nose catches a whiff of chocolate and separately, of cheese. Sampling Stations!
“I’ll catch up with you later.” I can feel the stink eye on my back, but first things first. I turn and head across the store, the stimulated nostrils acting as the GPS.
Triple chocolate brownies. “Thank you.” I let the chocolate melt in my mouth, close my eyes and whisper: Jesus, I’ve stepped right into Heaven. I grab a box from the shelf and tuck it under my arm.
I find the second sampling station. Cream Puffs! “Wow, these are great.” The lady adjusts her hair net and offers: “Go ahead, try another one.” “Thanks so much.” I pop it in, bite down, the cool, sweet whipped cream coats my mouth and slides down the tummy. Can the second be better than the first? When the crowd builds around the Cream Puff station, I sneak a third. Screw the newly acquired mid-life lactose intolerance.
I keep walking, licking the sweet off my lips.
Sinbad Sweets Baklava. $8.99. 18 assorted sweets. Crispy Fillo. Honey Butter. Premium nuts. Handcrafted. Are you kidding me? I grab a box.
Cheese Pizza Sampling Station! Costco Kirkland Brand Frozen Cheese Pizza. Breadcrumb crust. 100% real cheese. I stare at box cover while chewing a slice. Golden bubbly brown cheese. 10-12 minutes at 425 F. $9.99 for four pizzas. I grab a box. I know what we’re having for lunch.
I keep walking.
Clementines. $6.45 for 2 dozen. Japanese Orange explosion. I need to adjust the goods under my arms to carry the load.
I keep walking.
Three loaves of fruit bread: Chocolate Cranberry, Butter Pound Bread and Pumpkin Struesel. $7.99.
The hands and arms are now fully loaded. I circle back to home base to find my chaperone, who looks up and down the composition of the load:
“Seriously, are you kidding? And wipe your face!”
I clean-up the remnants of the Cream Puffs with my sleeve, she’s shaking her head.
I look in her cart. Brussel sprouts. Corn. Lettuce. Bread. Bananas. 2% Milk. Paper towels.
I place all of my necessary supplies into the cart and bark out a warning:
“Don’t you dare touch any of these. Not a single one.”
Notes:
- Photo: Cream Puffs
- Related Posts: Commuting
Live & Learn 
I laughed and laughed and laughed. I wish there was a triple “Like” button for this one, David. Happy shopping!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Now I’m laughing! One would think I were making it up – how sad and true! Thanks for the kind words.
LikeLike
I began reading this and immediately thought, “Nooooooo, don’t do it, step awayyyyyy from the Costco, it’s your Scylla and Charybdis, buddy! Step in and you are gonna be sucked into the void. We all know how you struggle with the siren call of molten chocolate lava!” That said, your journey made for damn fine reading. I’m expecting a running post hard on the heels of this little jaunt. Go grab the neighbor’s dog and suit up, pal…. 😉
LikeLiked by 3 people
Laughing. I don’t know who Scylla and Charybdis are but they are whacking away at me!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing.
Out.
Loud.
So damn funny DK!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hey Bonnie. Thanks. Now I’m laughing again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Between_Scylla_and_Charybdis
LikeLiked by 1 person
Shameful I had never heard of them. I am them, they are me!
Being between Scylla and Charybdis is an idiom deriving from Greek mythology, meaning “having to choose between two evils”. Several other idioms, such as “on the horns of a dilemma”, “between the devil and the deep blue sea”, and “between a rock and a hard place” express similar meanings.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And the fact that I had, dear friend, is my prize for 4 years of Latin in high school. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
WOW, 4 years of Latin…now that’s something
LikeLiked by 1 person
It really was. I loved every minute of it…my teacher was *phenomenal* (and is a friend to this day) and it really cemented my love of language (and helped my vocabulary immeasurably). A particularly fond memory…we translated the process for mummification and then used it to mummify a Cornish game hen. Yes, I was a nerd. 😉 My brother followed behind with 4 years as well, and he said the knowledge he gained was really a boon in med school.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow…
LikeLike
Hey I represent this post! It appears we have some glorious weaknesses in common. Thank you for the Saturday morning laughs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing. So glorious these weaknesses! Thank you Russ.
LikeLike
Laugh out loud funny. And, sadly, I could relate all too well.
LikeLike
Laughing now too. Thanks Lorraine. Happy Holidays!
LikeLike
Esam has to see this, so he knows he’s not the only one. Now he comes up with excuses to go alone, comes back in from the back door, and texts one of the kids to open the door for him. The cooperate to put it all away before I see it 😏
LikeLiked by 2 people
Laughing. Love that. So great. Esam, my hero!
LikeLiked by 1 person
There is a bond there, yes.
When you retire, have you considered hosting the late late late show?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Right!
LikeLiked by 1 person
The Scottish one, Ferguson. Your (((wicked))) sense of humor/ sarcasm reminds me of him.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awwww, yes. Love him. He’s fantastic.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha. 🙂 Great post.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Lynette!
LikeLike
Very funny. You captured the temptation of shopping at Costco so well. I love that you need a chaperone. Thanks for brightening my day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing. It’s not just Costco where I need a chaperone. Thanks for the kind words and for stopping by. Dave
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Bright, shiny objects! and commented:
Lol. One of my favorite bloggers writes about the wonders of Costco of all things! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Todd! Appreciate it. Happy Holidays!
LikeLike
Right on, Dave! Love those samples! Great laugh, ha, ha! You brightened my day! Have a merry December!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Vera. Thank you! Happy Holidays to you, Walter and the family. Dave
LikeLike
You and my husband would be dangerous at Costco – he finds such tastings irresistible, and largely explains why two adults living with children now in homes of their own, still have two fridges…
LikeLiked by 4 people
Laughing, we have 2 fridges too! (Red-faced)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh dear, David. Looks like you’re laughing all the way to Weight Watchers! I’m laughing too. See you there! You’ve captured the Costco experience perfectly! Love it!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Anneli. Laughing. I hope Weight Watchers is unnecessary!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You can go to Costco with me any time!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Let me know when the Bus is leaving!
LikeLike
This post and the responses are hysterical! He texts the kids to open the back door–I love it! My husband just comes in through the garage and puts things away before I see them. But he’s happy, and tries to get things that I like, too.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Laughing. I TOTALLY get it.
LikeLike
Like my Mom ! ! ! She ends up with a $ 400 plus bill.
LikeLiked by 1 person
$400 is a hefty bill. I understand, I do. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very funny Dave. Moving wondering how we are going to survive without Costco.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Olga. You’ll have to make road trips, and pull a U-Haul.
LikeLike
Ha ha…Love this. I was laughing just at the title. I feel your pain, DK. In bad weather months, I use places like these huge warehouse stores for exercise. I can get away without a purchase (mostly), but those samples….ugh.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Smiling. You too Van!?!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Me too … it’s a Fitbit obsession on winter days! Alas, somewhat counterbalanced but the purchases 😳
LikeLiked by 2 people
No doubt about it. Not now not ever. I love you. And…we could never, ever-ever go to Costco together. Tell The Chaperone…she’ll be relieved.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing. I’m sure she would love the relief. Thanks Raye…
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are definitely my kind of guy David. I’ll meet you there any time. My husband calls it grazing, I call it lunch. :o)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your husband has it right Patricia. It is grazing, only grazing. The serious stuff is behind a table. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
OMG, The comments…
I just called him and said “We haven’t had cream puffs from Costco in a long time.”
He gave me a piece of his mind loool
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I I know where you will be spending your days once you retire…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing…I could be manning the Sampling Station. I would love that job.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Never been to Costco. Overdue.I’m motivated now. I’m going there
LikeLiked by 1 person
Really! Wow…you need to check it out, fast. 🙂
LikeLike
it’s a good thing there are two of you
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing, yes…
LikeLike
I think I saw you the other day… You forgot the toilet paper and detergent
LikeLiked by 1 person
The Boss doesn’t forget. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s the beauty of going to Costco!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Isn’t it though!?!
LikeLike
I liked your post. I would die if I ate that stuff, seriously. I suffer far too much to be the least bit tempted. Gluten intolerance. Lactose intolerance. In fact I was just saying to husband Chris this afternoon as we steamed veggies and made miso and our simple lunch, “I don’t even resent it anymore. The pain is simply not worth it.” But glad you can still have some food fun! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awwww, you are so GOOD!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow!! looks like you should write about Costco more often! Ha I haven’t been to the Costco here yet, but if I do, I will certainly check out the healthy food section you speak of lol 👍👌👏
LikeLiked by 1 person
Healthy food section? (Note to self: why am I not surprised!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Looks like I’ll have to stop at Cosco!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely!
LikeLike
David… I can’t tell you, how MUCH I miss Costco.
So, please, just a few more outings. Tell The Boss, its “just for the blog, that’s all” – I’m waiting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Deal!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent… yum 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
David,
This post described my recurring weekend jaunts to Costco with my chaperone! Loved it. She did too. Have a great Christmas. Lmk when you are in LA. Clint
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing. Thanks Clint. Happy Holidays!
LikeLike
I really needed this…I went from totally depressed to LAUGHING OUT LOUD! Thanks David. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Funny. Glad I could brighten your day Carol!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Priceless
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!
LikeLike
I love the image of “the stink eye”. Makes me shudder slightly. If you’re like me the early days of December can be a bit miserable, as my darling spouse thinks we will enjoy Christmas more if we endure a few days of penance beforehand. So we turn off the alcohol and eat lots of plain stuff. You did well to pack a few tasty titbits into the hamster pouches to sustain you through the misery.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing. A few days of penance? I could never survive that! You are a better man.
LikeLike
😀 So funny. And so familiar. My daughter loves it when dad comes shopping.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s just what Dad’s do!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my gosh, Dave. Thanks for starting my day with a good laugh.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!
LikeLike
Funniest thing you’ve ever said just may be “I’m generally not invited on Costco runs due to some Priors, some unfortunate displays of lack of self-control, some poor judgment, followed by regrets: “It won’t happen again.” and kudos for the use of Scylla and Charibdis which I have always used myself. Still laughing as you say…
LikeLiked by 1 person
And still laughing! Thanks Todd.
LikeLike
Hahahaha…Man, its a perfect Bulletholes post. You beat me to it.
I get in trouble for dancing with the vegetables.
And those cream puffs? If you get like 8 boxes you can make a Croquembouche.
I’m not sure how you sneak 8 boxes out though.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing! 8 boxes? I don’t know what Croquembouche is but I’m on it!
LikeLike
After you sneak the cream puffs home they are pretty easy to make. In got a picture of one somewhere I made for my daughters wedding. Here are a couple little ones.
http://srevestories.blogspot.com/2009/05/blog-post.html
LikeLike
They look delicious!
LikeLike
Such great writing…Ha,ha, I am a smiling….read this out loud to the sweet man and he said Cream Puffs? Costco doesn’t have Cream Puffs, I said I think in the frozen section…Your post is an instant classic!!! Being Gluten Free the samples have little to offer for me, cry, cry as I do crave some of the delectables (like the salmon chowder soup refrigerated in front of the dairy room…I am surprise no mega pack of Kirkland TP? You didn’t stop at books and calendars? Have you ventured into the land of Costco.com? (I believe they offer book downloads for less then others) They are marketing new items daily for the Twelve days of Christmas…and yes i bought a few items prior to Thanksgiving online for Christmas and the gifts are tucked away…. The sweet man and I share a Cesar Salad from the food court when we venture into the land of Abyss…I also want to personally thank you for helping to drive up the share price of Costco stock! I bought at $26.00 and I wish I would have had the money to purchase more than I did! Currently sitting at $152.00….
LikeLike
Smiling. I can’t get out of Costco the Retail Store, I don’t need to get lost on Costco.com. Gluten-free, OH NO!
LikeLike
Tantalizing? The South Pacific https://www.costcotravel.com/Vacation-Packages/Tahiti/Offers/TAHSOFBOBPI12DAYS2016
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow, yes….
LikeLike
Recent story on Hawaii package via Costco travel:
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/23/travel/hawaii-big-island-family-vacation-bargain.html?_r=0
LikeLike
This explains why the Hawaii package is sold out!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I didn’t see that!
LikeLike
On the way out the door to Trader Joe’s after reading their Christmas Catalog…
LikeLiked by 1 person
A great place to hang!
LikeLike
Our TJ’s is small.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my gosh that was funny & classic!! Wish we could have had you wear a gopro camera to hear and watch Susan’s reactions. LOL.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is a great idea. Or not.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing. I don’t need anything recorded to play back over and over again!
LikeLike
Ah, lost down the Rabbit Hole. Sweet Alice, we are all a little mad here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Smiling. Yes. That’s it! 😀
LikeLike
David, this is by far the funniest thing you have ever written! You could easily substitute my husband (whose name also happens to be David) and I for you and your chaperone. I am a master of the stink eye and my husband is a master of ignoring it! Thanks for the laughs!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing. It must be flowing in the male genetic code!
LikeLike
oh this is epic! I can so relate to this. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing. I think many of us can. Thank you Susan….
LikeLike
Oh David, I saw you. Thank you eating all the whipped cream. I’m still having tummy burns and tears in my eyes from laughing so hard all the way to the last scolding. I needed to laugh tonight.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awww, so glad that I could bring a bit of levity to your day. Thanks Helen. Appreciate it. Dave
LikeLike
Laughing, love how you have to be supervised. Lol.
LikeLiked by 1 person
On more things than just Costco runs! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s De. 22nd, and this post appeared in my reader again. It is no error.
This morning I send Don (ALL BY HIMSELF) for the final Costco run of the season. This is serious business, requiring flight of foot and a keen eye!
LikeLiked by 1 person
He made it through the first gadget hurdle with ease. (10 points)
Found the required beef and texted me to confirm that the major purchase was a success.
Alas, in the jubilation he got distracted into the bakery section … and then found his way back to paper napkins and dog food.
He texted me at 10.10. Done.
Still a good time despite the distractions of the course.
… so how come he didn’t get home until after noon?
I think he did his Santa run.
😎☺️😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
I so loved this update Val. Still laughing. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Laughing. You sent him all by himself. How courageous of you! 😀👍
LikeLiked by 1 person
That was a hilarious read, David. I wished my own husband had a bit more of your “stray” tendencies. He clasps his short shopping list, goes after ONLY those items, doesn’t look left or right to look for any other goodies, so he can get the hell out of there and go to another store that he really likes (motorcycle shop?).
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Annette. I would hug him – what discipline. The problem with me is that I stray all over the place for shiny edible sweet things, and then also run to my equivalent of the motorcycle shop (electronic gadgets – men with their toys)!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha, I can see the two of you would totally get along 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person