Running on Christmas Day. No signal.

At 8 pm last night, I agreed with myself I wouldn’t post, wouldn’t share, wouldn’t clutter up Christmas Day with stuff on this blog.

But no, that wasn’t possible Now.  So we’ll keep it short.

I hadn’t run in weeks, but the pull to get outside, was out-of-body.  You need to get out. Today. Now.

30° F feeling like 26° F.  Sun bright and beaming.  It was high tide at the cove, a flock of Canadian geese, 25 or so, were floating at the base of the break wall, offering me their moment of silence.

He used to follow this blog, comment on certain posts.  I could feel His finger reaching for the “Like” button towards the End when he was no longer up to offering comments.

Forgiveness is not a strong suit.  Actually no suit I wear at all.  I had to stop at mid-point on the run. Toxicity from the anger made another step impossible.

Anger burns for the Health Insurer, who silently collected his premium payments, and then provided notice that coverage wasn’t provided as promised because of an exclusion.  And then to stick the knife deeper, terminated coverage retroactively for a month, causing a scramble by the Care providers demanding payment from Him, shuffling Him to a hospital, and that hospital shuffling him to another for lack of confirmation of Insurance Coverage, and this second one pressing for transfer to permanent skilled care.  “We needed to provide him with a sedative.  He’s really anxious, struggling to breathe.” And you wonder why he’s anxious?  The cauldron boils over.  Anger also burns, for those who took a vow with my Brother, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, only to let him fight alone in sickness.

At 7:30 pm last night, I tried Him on Face Time to wish him a Merry Christmas.  Face Time just rang, and rang and rang unanswered.  Must be resting, I hoped. My last conversation with him was to ask him which care facility he preferred and whether he wanted to go back to where he came from.  “No Dave, I felt they gave up on me in the last month.”

But it’s Christmas Day, let’s set this Burn aside, at least for the day, and shift the Mind to the Good. My College buddy who offered Him a job right out of college, when he was lost, unmoored, took him under his Wing for years to guide and nurture him along.  So much Good here. We’ll skip years of so much of his Good Will and that of his Wife, to the End, who were there for him, administering His Medical Power of Attorney.

I can’t seem to shake the title words from Billy Joel’s song “Only The Good Die Young…”.  Not yet 50 years old, and so much life in front of him.  He was so good. So patient. So kind.  Yet, so much unexplainable suffering for so long.

I had to walk the rest of the 3 miles home on my run.  This body would not run.  And if there was a signal from Upstairs, I wasn’t receiving. Niall Williams’ dark wings overwhelmed me.

At approximately midnight, let’s round up and say 12:01 am, on Christmas Day, my Brother Lorne passed away. May 11, 1970 – December 25, 2019.

I can’t bring myself to say Rest in Peace.

I can’t.

 


Notes:

  • Post title inspired by: “And it did not matter that all of this would pass, that’s what occurred to me. It didn’t matter this time and place would be gone, that these feelings would go to the place of all feelings once pure and complete. It didn’t matter that…all of them would be gone but be like remembered music or the amassed richness of a lived life. Because at that moment I understood that this in miniature was the world, a connective of human feeling, for the most part by far pulsing with the dream of the betterment of the other, and in this was an invisible current that, despite faults and breakdowns, was all the time being restored and switched back on and was running not because of past or future times but because, all times since beginning and to the end, the signal was still on, still pulsing, and still trying to love.” ~ Niall Williams, “This Is Happiness” (Bloomsbury Publishing, December 3, 2019)
  • Post also inspired by: “Grief has to find a home, has to find a place to settle, or the dark wings will overwhelm you and you will fall down in the road. I went… because when you come face-to-face with suffering you have to negotiate.” ~ Niall Williams, “This Is Happiness” (Bloomsbury Publishing, December 3, 2019)
  • Background on my Brother: Unstoppable and Running with Bro

Trackbacks

  1. […] then I was glad I waited because this gave me the time to dedicate this post to my blogging friend David Kanigan, who sadly lost his brother, Lorne, in the first minutes of Christmas […]

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