I’m sitting in his chair, a padded wheel chair at the side of his bed at the Rehab Center.
He’s sitting up on his bed, but bent over, trying to catch his breath.
Oxygen is flowing from a tank down a tube through his Trach.
My eyes are never far from his heart rate monitor.
It’s a lime green digital read out, being fed stats through a line connected to his index finger.
120.
122.
118.
123
A heart rate equal to a light jog.
Not a 10 min, or 15 min, or 30 min jog.
A 24 x 7 jog.
Running. Running. Running.
He coughs, interrupting the signal. The machine flashes yellow alerts, and fires a piercing alarm to the Nurse’s station.
Then silence.
Next morning, on a treadmill in a windowless gym at Marriott Courtyard in Phoenix, I’m running. I’m flicking my wrist over, and over and over again, checking my heart beat on my Apple Watch.
135
125
140
133
147
Next week, on a treadmill in a Dallas hotel gym. I’m flicking, and flicking and flicking my wrist, checking the Apple Watch read out:
140
125
135
130
137
I had asked him, “what’s pushing on your heart beat.” He sends me a text (can’t speak with breathing apparatus in his Trach).
“Condition of lungs require my lungs to work harder.” And, he says. (Long pause…) And, Anxiety.
I step out of the gym, having finished my workout. And take a walk on a path circling the hotel.
I’m listening to an audio book narrated by Elizabeth Acevedo, the author, and a young poet. She reads a poem called “Miracles”:
God, if you’re a thing with ears:
please, please.
Live & Learn 
Ah David… that damn Anxiety can wreak such havoc…
I shall add my please, to yours…
And hugs. Lots of hugs.
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Thank you Dale.
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I can’t do much else but I am here.
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Dale; isn’t that so?! Whenever a thought of something unpleasant creeps up, even before I’ve thought the thought, my heart races off like a priceless racehorse… Anxiety – our own worst enemy!
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Absolutely!
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Will be thinking of you and your brother on my journey today. God hears us and answers our prayers. We don’t always get the answer we want, but God (at least the One that I believe in and pray to) knows our hearts. Watching someone we love suffer is a painful experience and often moves us to ask questions that we never thought to ask. Ask away and take care of yourself during this trying time. You are being a good brother.
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Ray; I’m 100% with you – you are a good FRIEND to Dave!
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Thank you Ray. Comforting thoughts. (very)
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You also have my thoughts, my friend and more ‘please’…
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Thank you Marina.
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Good thoughts and prayers go yours and your brother’s way (extra prayers at this afternoon mass, too), friend
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Thank you Michael.
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This post broke my heart, twice – in 5′ – the first time when I read it and groped for some tissues, the 2nd when HH came to say bye (for his cardiologist’s appointment!) and asked why I was crying…. I put my hand on his heart and asked him: How’s your heart beat? Anxiety? (Isn’t it always there before a doctor’s appointment?). And I continued: I have to read you Dave’s blog post of today…. I read it as best as I could with tears running and throat choked up. We embraced and he left for his 40′ drive to the doctor.
I’m not the sporty type, I don’t know any gym from the inside, I run only when I absolutely must and then catch my breath for the next 30′ – but my heart races too, in compassion, in sharing your love for bro, for sharing the pain, and I send a prayer up to God for him and his sis and you and all of you.
HE/SHE doesn’t need ears, all prayers and calls are heard, and / but as Ray said so well: We don’t always (or rarely) get exactly what we want but we get what is in HIs plan. Of course, it’s not (or shouldn’t be) a one-way road, that we only scream to Him/Her when we are desperate. A large part of my prayers are Thank You’s for the protection of every day, of HH not having or causing an accident on his weekly travel of twice 700+km, for me, the one with bad eyesight, not to miss a step on a stair or slip on wet leaves, etc. etc. But as I said to you before: Praying for you folks isn’t going to hurt anybody, but it might just be the tiny nudge of HELP PLEASE to make the difference. So, know, your bro (in law?) and the family YOU ARE LOVED, AND THOUGHT OF, AND PRAYED FOR. All the best.
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Oh Kiki. Thank you.
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I add my Please….
>
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Thank you Mary Ann
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it is telling that our hearts, our minds, and our bodies all conspire – working for us, or against us. hugs to both of you.
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Thank you Beth
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With the poet, I will pray in agreement.
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Thank you Lisa
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🙏🏻
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We all hear you…and your bro…and we care and send our love…So why would anyone assume that the creator of all would be a thing that may not hear? We all know anxiety…we’re all challenged to handle it. The anxiety makes or comes out of feeling separate from any loving creator. Dear David thank you for connecting us and making us less separate.
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Thank you Valerie.
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All of us here are sending our love, our prayers to your brother, to all of you. So tough to watch, to feel. Blessings, hugs, much thanks to you.
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Thank you Vera.
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Oh David.
I had to dry my tears before I could type.
For me, it is the helplessness. The wanting to do something, anything to make someone else ‘all better’ and having to live with the helplessness of knowing – I am not that powerful. I cannot change their journey, where ever it leads. I can only walk with them, sit with them, be with them, however they need me.
You are an amazing brother. You are being there with him in body and spirit so that he knows, he is not alone.
That is a beautiful gift. That is love.
I too am including my ‘please’ and sending much love and light to you both.
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“I am not that powerful. I cannot change their journey, wherever it leads. I can only walk with them. Sit with them. Be with Them.”. Love this Louise. Thank you.
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Oh David.. I’m so sorry.. I will keep you and your brother in my prayers… life is full of lessons to be learned 🙏🏻❤️
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Thank you Tina
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So sorry you’re having to go through such hardship, David…and even though every instance of such hardship is different, I’ve been there in my own way. I understand the ache in your own heart. I will be thinking of you and your brother.
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Hi Carol. Thank you.
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Add one more to those who are thinking of you and your brother. I wish I were a miracle worker. As I had that thought, I realized how very busy I’d be. Hoping for a good outcome here.
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Thank you Anneli.
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Yes – my heart echoes, my mouth forms the silent prayer ‘please, please’…please. Sending much love to all
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Thank you Mimi
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… love and light to you both. And peace for him so he may breathe a little easier and then, so will you.
MJ
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Thank you MJ
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thoughts and prayers for you and your brother; nice to see that you are finding the time to take care of yourself and get some exercise in; I’m sure that helps with the stress you are feeling.
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Thank you Jim
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This made me think of my dad
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Hopefully warm thoughts.
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I can’t like this. I’m so sorry this is happening. It must be hard for you. Wishing your brother a a timely recovery.
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Oh, I get it. Thank you.
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We might struggle with the ‘why is this the way it is,’ but we need not ever struggle with the inner knowing that support and love accompanies it all. Sending hugs, healing, light, and love to you all. Cher xo
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so True. Thank you Cher.
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I feel your pain David. I have no words, may you keep the strength to be at his side.
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Hi Dolores. So good to hear from you. Thank you for your warm wishes.
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❤️❤️❤️
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Dear David, sometimes “like
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Dear David, sometimes “like” doesn’t mean that we like, I just want to say I am with you too my heart and my thouhgts, wishing your brother geet well soon. Love and Hugs, nia
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awww Nia. Thank you. I understand.
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Oh that’s hard. So sorry David. God Bless you both.
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Thank you Ilona.
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Thinking about you and your brother!Stay strong.
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Thanks Paco
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Hi David, I read this when you posted it and meant to comment but it hit too close to home. Hope takes on many forms during these difficult times and if it’s not hope for an absolute cure than it can be hope for more time, quality of life. My loved one made it through, intact albeit worse for wear
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Oops. Darn finger pressed send. Anyway, thinking of you and your bro and feeling hopeful. Wished I’d thought of exercising during my vigil. Toasted bagels and thrillers versus book club fare got me through. Best regards
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Thank you Sharon. This will stick with me: “Hope takes on many forms during these difficult times and if it’s not hope for an absolute cure than it can be hope for more time, quality of life.”
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My dad was supposed to die two years ago. I still don’t understand how he is still with us. But I am grateful for the extra time.
https://bogeyandruby.blog/2017/09/29/the-long-goodbye/
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Such a beautiful post Sharon. Thank you.
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🙏
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