Running. With Planks.

Posted on by Live & Learn

Planking-Baby

6:02 am. Sunday, October 19, 2014. 52° F. Breezy. Autumn.

Mind rolls back to yesterday afternoon. Saturday at 4pm, and my body was signaling late Sunday. The heaviness of Work returned early, a thick Bay Area Fog. (Where’s my weekend?) I’m on a JetBlue flight heading South on Sunday afternoon to catch Monday morning meetings.

I’m ten pounds up from my six-month low. Ten pounds! My last running post was Sept 7th. My last run outside was Sept 14th. Over one month ago, and THAT run is still fresh. I glance at my notes from that day:

Garmin flashing 0.72 miles. Stomach cramps. They will work themselves out. Just slow it down. Keep your feet moving. 0.78 miles. Legs moving, body is haunched over. 0.80 miles. Pain ripping through left calf. I moan, stop and clutch my leg. No Mas. I turn and return home. To the couch.

I decide to break my pre-run routine. (Which, besides complaining about running, is to do nothing, but get out the door.)

I get down on my knees. I’m thinking 1 Plank. I position my iPhone stopwatch where I can see it. I take a deep breath in preparation.  (My blogger friends are deep under my skin. Bone deep.  If Lori can do three two-minute planks in one work-out and Carolann can do a four-minute plank, this is just a matter of practice, right? And, last time I checked, I’m a Man, right?)

I get in planking position. I’ll knock one of these off before my run, and then have something to write about when I return. I’m glaring at the stopwatch. (I’ll show them.)

25 sec.
(Think I got this.)

35 sec.
(Breathing a bit heavy, but I’m just finding my groove.)

47 sec.
(Laboring now. Starting to freak. Long way from 2 minutes.)

59 sec.
(I drop my head to conserve energy. I’m looking upside down at my body line, and I see my hang belly. FURIOUS. LOOK UP DAMN IT. LOOK UP.)

75 sec.
(Arms are trembling. Legs are quivering. Wheels on this bus are coming off.)

93 sec.
(Cramp in Neck! Cramp in Neck! Must be from the looking at the Hang Belly.)

110 sec. Collapse!
(I turn my head just in time to avoid breaking my nose. WTH! WTF!  This just can’t be.)

110 sec. Less than two minutes and ‘Less-Than-A Man’ is Down. (That’s Bullsh*t.)

I lay on the floor face down catching my breath. (I’m likely inhaling toxic carpet fibers that will take another year off my life, if Ebola doesn’t kill me on my flight today.)

I head out for my run, and I’m replaying this morning’s Planking show.

Maybe it’s my form.

It can’t be me. No chance.

Benefits certainly accrue to humans at a lighter weight. Smaller bone structure. That’s it. That’s why all these women are whooping my a**.

Planking is NOT a Man’s exercise. Period. Full stop.

What about the Chinese man who banged out 4.26 hours?

It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you

Time Check: 7 Miles. 65 minutes.

Nap Time.

Notes:

38 thoughts on “Running. With Planks.”

  8. Oh my goodness, DK, is it wrong that I laughed til I cried reading through this post? I told ya, pal, you’ve got to work your way up on the planks, build endurance over time, not just hit the bricks and expect to hang out effortlessly for 3-4 minutes. You can see, though, how this exercise can be a powerful means of building strength throughout your core, front and back. Keep with it, my friend, you’ll be knocking off two minute stretches in no time. Meanwhile, enjoy that nap. It’s well earned…. 🙂

    1. Ahhhh, yes, here she is. The provocateur. Sending me Rice Krispee Bar recipes behind the scenes, stuffing me full and then throwing out the encouragements. You wicked woman.

  10. You have me beat today anyway. I haven’t run since Thursday and today was a perfect day to run.

    Oh well, if the horse doesn’t run away I’ll get back on him tomorrow. I shouldn’t feel bad, but thankful I can run during my lunch break at work, right?

  11. I have to admit I laughed ’til I cried. You made pain sound funny. Running once a month won’t do it, David. And sitting in meetings doesn’t count as practice. Hope your run & nap got you to a good early start of the work week. Now I have to try…1 plank.

  12. yay for the run and for trying the planking, i did kind of smile too as you described your body and thought process throughout. i’m not very good yet at planking, but you do build up your stamina quickly if you do it a bit everyday. start small and do it just for a short duration, but do it in proper form, and before too long you’ll find yourself enduring longer periods of planking without too much suffering. if not, then keep up the runs and the humor and the writing –

    1. David, I laughed out loud at this post! Which, by the way, is really good for my abs. So, here’s the workout plan: more laughter (especially at yourself), lay on the floor with babies and dogs, and celebrate that 110 second plank and 7 plus mile run (try jumping around and waving your arms, a great calorie burner)—-WOOT! WOOT!

    2. OK, Beth. I’m going to stick to it. I can’t say you’ll see any additional posts on the topic until I cross the winning threshold. There is Man-Pride to contend with here.

    1. I had to look up hair shirt. Didn’t know what it was. LAUGHING! Comment of the Day. Love it!

      A cilice /ˈsɪlɨs/ was originally a garment or undergarment made of coarse cloth or animal hair (a hairshirt) worn close to the skin. It was used in some religious traditions to induce discomfort or pain as a sign of repentance and atonement.

  16. Once you drop your head you’re pretty much screwed. It’s hard to recover after you’ve done that. Try separating your legs, clasping your hands together, and listening to some kick ass music.

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