Running. Because I can’t stop.

Posted on by Live & Learn

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Wednesday: 2 am. A knife stabbing the muscle in the right calf. I’m gripping the iron railing on the headboard. And pointing my toes. (Susan’s remedy. I’ve always thought it was Bullsh*t, yet here I am pointing my toes.) I’m writhing in pain. Cramp. Zeke awakens, rolls over and starts licking my face, I’ll save you Dad! Dog mung-mouth-sleep-breath — I’m snorting ammonia. The bed is rolling like a stormy sea – yet, Susan is not moved. She stirs, but doesn’t wake. The entire team carries Lebron off the floor with his leg-cramps, and I don’t even get a: “Are you ok?” Where’s the empathy here people?

Thursday: 3 pm. Work meeting. Same leg. Same calf. Pitch fork stab. Cramp. I’m gripping the arms of the chair. Eyes are gushing water. I drop my head to take notes to avoid eye contact. Meeting ends. I walk up the stairs alone, limping, and heaving. Hydration? Vitamin deficiency? Sleep deprivation? Hunger?

Saturday: 4 am. Feelin’ large. I step on the scale. NO! Just.Can’t.Be. NFW! I strip off t-shirt and underwear – – I might be carrying extra poundage in my shorts. I get back on the scale – it wobbles – and falls 0.2 lbs. Pathetic! I move to the mirror. I see a six-inch scratch from the belly button to the jelly roll part, with a puff of dried blood accumulation on the handle. A tattoo from my wrestling match with Zeke. Or another sign? I check my notes. April 19th, is the last time I ran. 49 days ago. Can that even be possible? I check my weight tracker:

  • Jan 7: 197.4
  • Feb 7: 198.6
  • Mar 7: 199.8
  • Apr 7: 200.3
  • May 7: 203.8
  • Jun 7: 206.9 (Kaboom!)

Saturday: 6 am. Angry Buddha is on the road. By now, you know the strategy – – plan is to shed it all in one run. Run notables? I pass a dead squirrel with rigor mortis, 4-legs pointing to the heavens, its glassy-bulging eyes leering at me. I pass a Raven tearing at the brown underbelly of a Robin – she glances up at me and goes back to her business. Now here’s a few bolts of white lightening for you. Big Man sending you message after message. I finish my run – 8.5 miles, seeing little enlightenment, feeling overwhelming fury.

Sunday: 6 am. I’ve been up for a few hours. Restless night sleep. Fully medicated on Advil. My pillow, keeping knee bone from knee bone, did nothing to ease the dull throbbing pain. I ease down the stairs holding the hand rail – deep bone aches in right hip, upper thighs, both legs and toes. The image of the dead rigor-squirrel flashes by. I notice large blisters on three toes. I resist the urge to rip off the excess skin. Let the continued abrasion from shoe to sock to foot lacerate it. PENANCE. I then remember that I forgot my weigh in – the strategy being to wait until the last possible second. I hobble up the stairs and strip off my running gear. Hope springs eternal, especially after a hard 8.5 mile run yesterday. I step gingerly on the scale. I take deep breath. And then look down. Blink. And then look down again.

Jun 8: 207.6.

I put my gear back on. I head out the door. And up pops on my iTunes random music selection: Dave Matthews Band – Can’t Stop:

Love you cause I can’t stop
I need you cause it won’t stop
I love you, cause I cause I can’t stop
Don’t wanna thank you, but it won’t stop I’m like a junkie for you, baby

so hungry, you make me
So hungry, you make me
So hungry, you make me
I surrender
I’m cold like a junkie for you
I burn just like a junkie for you, baby

Can’t stop
Gonna leave you, but it won’t stop
I love you, cause I can’t stop
Won’t stop
Can’t stop

Time Check: 58 minutes. 6.2 miles.

Nap time.

Related Posts: The Running Series. Image Source: Chikita Banana

33 thoughts on “Running. Because I can’t stop.”

  4. The Dave song I listen too in this scenario is the one that goes: I eat too much, I drink too much, Too Much! Good luck. We’ve all been there…

  6. You can try to prevent leg cramps by upping your intake of potassium… eating bananas and drinking coconut water would help. I don’t like coconut water very much, but I drink it anyway because I know how much it helps. Try eating one banana every single day and see if that will help. I know you don’t believe in what I have to say much…but it might be worth a try.

  7. I thought it was a while ago I read your latest running story, but 49 days?! You see what happens…pains, gains, signs and whines.

  8. Is there anyway you can do this without being so angry with yourself? And the squirrel was just napping. A lot of animals seem to do that by the side of the road..

    1. Laughing. That squirrel was NOT napping. Still laughing. And I’m not sure what road you hang around on, I don’t see many napping beside the roads up here. 🙂

  9. Oh David, I know you’re expecting this, but I’m gonna say it anyway…. WMS. Exercise is supposed to be something you do *for* yourself, not a one-man kamikaze run against yourself. Sounds like your body is signalling you that ‘the beatings must stop’ as well.

    Perhaps there’s something else you can do that will be a cardio activity that doesn’t send you in a mad dash for the Epsom salts or the pomme frittes? How about biking, hell, even walking is great exercise if you do it regularly and at a brisk pace. Roller blading? or how about something laid back like Parkour?! 😉

    I must confess, though, I look forward to these running posts like my Sunday afternoon trips to the ice cream parlor–pure joy. Just can’t believe I’ve had a 49-day dry spell. Enjoy your nap, pal!

  10. Ditto Radiating Blossom. Sounds as if you need potassium and hydration always helps. For sure, give those knees a rest and substitute something that puts less stress on the joints. Be well, my friend.

    1. I’m working on all of it. Potassium and hydration is doable. And given the days between runs (40+), the rest for body shouldn’t be a problem either. 🙂

  11. The image of the squirrel is so funny!
    I must get back into running too, but I’ve been saying that for a while. I was waiting for warmer weather (remember I live in Ireland) and now my knees are making crunching noises like crisp packets. Not sure if running would be the best exercise for me. I do miss it so.

  12. I keep promising myself, this summer I am going to start running in the morning! Ugh!!! There’s still time to start, yes?

    I did a 15 mile hike two weeks ago. It did not make things better, only sorer.

  13. Oh, there’s so much fodder here. The Beating-Yourself-Up stuff isn’t helpful. Really. What *might* help is to look at those last 49 days and see what was happening to change the routine and the mind-set. Be curious instead of angry, compassionate instead of punitive. Then, start again gently. Work back up to your old times. Make one conscious food choice. Your body needs time to readjust. Again.
    And remember the squirrel with the Ultimate Cramp.

  14. I’ve been there, David, punishing myself by running after overeating. And then I decided I would not do that anymore–i would not use running as a punishment. Because I love and enjoy it too much and I don’t want to associate something positive with punishment. I wish I could say that the decision ended the overeating; it didn’t and I occasionally do overeat. Though now, instead of punishing myself, I am patient and allow myself to be human.

  15. Magnesium. get magnesium powders and drop in a glass of water… those cramps are lack of magnesium… prob sleepless as well, huh?

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