Sunday Morning

My son was almost 4 months old when he stopped breathing at daycare. It was his first day there, the first time I had left his side. Neither the doctors nor investigators could tell us why it happened…The question of my son’s death — the mystery of it, why he vanished — remains without answer. And so I ask the questions of life: What force grew this little child? How did those limbs form themselves from nothing inside of me? Why did I have the power to make him, but not to bring him back? Why are the things he saw on this planet so beautiful? Why did his eyes look at me the way they did? Where did love like this come from? I will never know who my child would have been, but I know his love. If there is a God, this is what he gave me.

~ Amber Scorah, Surviving the Death of My Son After the Death of My Faith (NY Times, May 31, 2019)


Notes: Photo by Ayla Maagdenberg titled “Grief“. Inspired by Sawsan: “Love is not a fin or a tail or an extra unnecessary tooth. It’ll be the last thing to pass through the evolutionary blades.”



  1. I am so sorry to hear this. It must have been terrible, I cannot imagine what you must have been through.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The unanswered questions are the most difficult to accept. Such a tragic story for Amber to live through. 😔

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I can’t hit the like button…

    Liked by 2 people

  4. this is so utterly sad. devastating.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. No words…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    Huge loss … ‘My son was almost 4 months old when he stopped breathing at daycare. It was his first day there, the first time I had left his side … ‘ … more in post!!
    Amber Scorah, Surviving the Death of My Son After the Death of My Faith (NY Times, May 31, 2019).

    Liked by 1 person

  7. There are things we don’t wish on our worst enemy. The loss of a child is one of them.

    And yes, Love will be the last thing to survive. The one thing that’ll make it to the finish line.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. My son was almost eight months old when his heart stopped beating. Unlike Amber, I had some sort of preparation (do you ever, really?) because he did have a heart defect. I cannot imagine her pain because it was so sudden and no obvious cause.
    I like to think all those ‘why’ questions are to help bring you to an understanding, an appreciation for what you did have.
    This may sound weird to some but it felt like Austin came into this world to teach me

    Liked by 2 people

  9. All hearts go out to any parent who loses a child. I’ve known a few…as close friends, and years pass and the heartbreak is still there. I’ve been remembering times of delightfulness from life with my 3 and, feeling love and gratitude for all that was. May Amber have much love in her life to mend some of her heartbreak.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. So much pain and sorrow – this was and will always be the main fear of any parent. Having to let go of a child. I have witnessed this on several levels, incl in my husband’s family. It is heart-rendering and we will never recover from the pain.
    I’m still heavily under the impact of a book I just finished: I am, I am, I am – seventeen brushes with death – a memoir by Maggie O’Farrell. I was hooked and shocked, page after page – and this immensely private and stunningly talented writer wrote this book for her very ill third child, as a testimonial to life, to love, to pain and the award for ‘surviving’. Tracy Chevalier said: I have never read a book about death that has made me feel so alive.
    On me, it had the effect that I HAD to read on, but also I HAD to put it down, breathe deeply, cry a lot in frustration and pain, I had to rush to the toilet (sorry) because it gripped my body in such a way….
    We who haven’t lost a child, the truly lucky ones, cannot imagine Amber’s loss. Such a terrible event either makes or breaks you. Forever.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. so sad and so moving

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Death the only door that can not be knocked down to know, why it opened for me.
    Once behind I am late forever, but I fail to understand why am I late? I came in before you all since I left you on earth. I may have been young and fresh, I didn’t speak much but my eyes they watched your love for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Yeah. This is heartbreaking. And understanding ‘why’ it happened must take a lifetime. If even then. 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Lifetime and beyond…


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