Running Away. From the Salt Benediction.

 

We have a bad situation here. (Very)

One needs to take personal accountability. Yet, if I could, I would, find anyone, anything, to blame. 

The digital Nokia scale (Nokia Body Cardio WiFi Smart Scale in Black) was a Christmas gift from the kids last year. The gift wasn’t a subliminal message, but a blow with a blunt instrument. They see it, I can’t hide it. Man boobs. Pooch maturing to hang belly. And everything else, sliding, down, down, down.

So, for the next ~320 days, the morning ritual is the same. Step on the scale. Step off the scale. The Scale wirelessly sends the data to the iPhone app. The app fires off a notification:

“New weight measurement available.  Stepping on the scale every morning and opening Health Mate regularly will help you stay on track.” 

Right. Right.

Tuesday:

Nokia alert: “Good job. Your weight is up only 0.3 lbs from the day before.” Monday. Box of chocolates from colleague as a holiday gift along with a thank you note. A constant beckoning presence on my desk, a siren call. I put the conference call on mute. Pop a chocolate covered caramel in my mouth. Close my eyes. Let that blessing melt down my throat.

Wednesday:

Nokia Alert: “Good job. Your weight is stable. Only up 0.5 lbs from the day before.” Tuesday. Holiday Party.  Red Wine. Hors d’oeuvres. Mini crab cakes. Pancetta-stuffed mushrooms. Mini burgers. (Many)

Thursday:

Nokia Alert: “Good job. Your weight is stable. Only up 0.2 lbs from the day before.” Wednesday night. Post dinner munchies. Frito Lay Potato Chips. Handful (or two) of shelled pistachios. And my Chaser, Mint Chocolate chip Gelato.

Friday:

Nokia Alert: “Good job.  Your weight is stable. You are up only 0.4 lbs from the day before.” Thursday. Skipped breakfast and lunch. Holiday Party at work. Pigs in a blanket wrapped in buttery crusts. Mini cheese pizzas. Chicken fingers. Rib eye steak, baked potato and molten chocolate cake for sweet.

Saturday:

And here we are. Saturday morning.  Same ritual.  I pause in front of the scale. A long pause, a deep breath. Friday. Oatmeal for breakfast. Lasagna for lunch. Finished the last of the gift chocolates (the entire box) between conference calls at work. Spaghetti for dinner. Salt shaker firing from both hands.  Dessert included shortbreads, more chocolates and Gelato.

I take all clothing off. I remove Smartwatch and place it on the counter. And take another long breath.

And then I place my left foot on the scale, always start with the left. It’s good luck.

And then the right.

Flashing.

Flashing.

Flashing.

+ 2.3 lbs! Holy Sh*t.

Nokia Alert: “You have gained 2.3 lbs from the day before. Stepping on the scale every morning and opening Health Mate regularly will help you stay on track.”

Right.


Inspired by Stan Sanvel Rubin, from “Salt Benediction,” Gravel (December 2018): “It’s hard to understand / how water lives in us / and washes nothing clean / that is not salt.”

Comments

  1. ‘Tis the season, DK…give yourself a break…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I laughed and laughed some more. Only because so many of us (yours truly included) are suffering from the same affliction. Just enjoy the good side of it (chocolate, etc.) and walk a bit more in January.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I have the same app. I love it and hate it at the same time, going through the same emotions as you every day. I like how you take off your watch, anything to get the lowest weight measurement possible – I do the same thing…

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hahaha….that’s my world~ Just eat a banana and an apple and you’re forgiven for the week…Hahaha again…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. All I can say is that you are not alone and in good company. 🥯🥐🥓🍔🍟🍕🌮🥨🍦🧁🍺🍷🧂

    Liked by 2 people

  6. That technology would drive me bonkers.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. It all went downhill since Thanksgiving. Some of my customers are getting thicker this time of the year I noticed!
    I have gained some but not sharing details. Will leave it at that!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m humming, wait, I hear the strains of the melody….

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Guessing that now would also not be a good time to tell you I’m whipping up a batch of dark chocolate and pistachio sea salt cookies?…. 😳

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Ha ha ! Ignore the scale and instead measure – neck, chest, biceps, waist, hips and each thigh. Store the # in a super secret spreadsheet that no one knows about ~ Check it in a month … I’ve been moving more but eating the same. no lbs lost lately BUT -6″ total in a month. I’m just saying. And I’d probably kick a scale that talked … blah!
    {{{eats a handful of cashews}}}
    MJ

    Liked by 2 people

  11. This just amuses me to no end – I can’t even stop laughing….. Throw your scales and devices and electronics and God knows whats out of the bathroom window – just be happy! You’re alive, you’ve got family and friends, you obviously have a job and enough time to blog…. (and thanks goodness for that!), you will have a dog in the next few weeks or months….. stop complaining! It’s deeply unhealthy 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Very effective post David, as in cause and effect, lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. No one chastises Santa about his weight. They just accept him as he is. Okay ..so your not Santa yet ha! But we love you just the way you are Mr K 😊

    Liked by 3 people

  14. Well, I will be encouraging…you should make sure your colon is empty before you weigh yourself./// We went to Costco yesterday, we purchased 3 or 4 items and lunch in the food court…they finally had the Cesar salad back they did not offer that during the Romaine lettuce Ban, I ate part of it and past the rest over to the hubby who also ate pizza…he also enjoyed the Lindt choc. samples (not gluten free), the sea salt chocolate covered caramels ( not Gluten Free) and all the other samples that were not Gluten Free…he has no shame eating all the yummies sample and treats at home in front of me! The frozen rolls baking in the oven the past two weeks are pure torture, as their fragrance is heavenly. In his defense he made me gluten free cookies the other day & we bought acceptable chocolate at the store yesterday, I ate the dark choc. caramel bar today. He also has baked a pumpkin pie ( he cut the pie pumpkin baked that etc. is whipping the cream now) No lunch today…we are starving…Diabetic are not suppose to miss a meal…The meatloaf is in the oven, accompanied by broccoli…did not walk today just did my PT kinda like yoga, though.Will probably do some mat steeping for seven minutes, this evening.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I have two scales: one old fashion arrow pointing to number(s) scale, and a weight watchers brand digital. The Old fashion one, I’m sure, weighs heavy so I automatically subtract 2-3 lbs. regardless of the daily weather. Then I move over to digital scale…and…while holding on to the closet door frame, close my eyes, and prepare myself for the digital read out by exhaling all air from mylungs. Usually, with door frame assistance, weight digital readout matches the subtracted “fake” heavy pounds from the old fashion arrow pointing scale. Success is also assured if you: never drink water but do empty bladder prior to weigh-in, and, finally, remove plastic hair combs. I promise. This works.

    Liked by 4 people

  16. Laughing. So good…

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Ok.. Now that I’ve commented on other’s comments, here’s my own:
    Always weigh in after the morning pipi and before the shower. Nude.
    And, honestly, the measurement way is the way to go. Scales just tell a bunch of lies. Why mine said one weight, got to my doctor’s and it added 2-3 lbs! WTF? He was kind enough to say, that, of course, the clothes, the trip over from my home to his office was sure to be the cause…
    On a bright note, working at the golf club (shit, last shift tomorrow…) is great for working my butt off. Literally.
    It is Christmas in 10 days. No bueno. January we start being careful, right?

    Liked by 2 people

  18. slow and painful torture.ouch.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Tis a cruel season to weigh oneself. Personally, I step in with my right foot, holding on to the sink with my left hand, and very very slowly releasing my weight until it hits just where I want it to be. Then I let go and get on with my day. 😇

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Oh man, this could be a really great story if the message said ‘good job, you’ve lost .2 pounds since the day before’…loved it anyway! I used to think that a downward curve was not possible for me, but lost 39 pounds this year and feel like 39 [ha!] so I proved myself wrong. Btw, does this smart scale know addition? Like looking back a week, a month, 6 months and be able to tell the story in flashy info graphics?

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Hahahaha…and thanks for choosing AT&T.
    https://srevestories.blogspot.com/search?q=pork+chops

    Liked by 1 person

  22. “Good Job” must mean screwing up the nerve to get ON the scale, not what the results are. So, Yaay! Good Job, buddy!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: