Walking Cross Town. And Doubt Farming.

Take 7.

Yep, 7th attempt to produce something, Anything, Something, Anything, that’s worthy.

I’m walking across Manhattan on 47th street and the weight bears down. Tuesday morning after a long weekend. Shoes feel heavy. Shoulders slouched. A Sherpa hauling a full load.

It’s 9 days and counting. I’ve run out of puppy pictures. I’ve finished Will Schwalbe’s Books for a Living and I’m finished with my quotidian shares of his wisdom.

So, I conduct an autopsy of the prior six attempts on partially completed blog posts:

  • Take 1: How I gained 10 lbs in 30 days and still feel good about me.
    • (23% complete. Tired topic.)
  • Take 2: How I, an introvert, primed a large group of employees at a networking event.
    • (83% complete, and Quit. Too anxious to finish, too anxious to share.)
  • Take 3: Favorite songs on 7 on 70’s on Sirius. The angelic voice of Karen Carpenter with Top of the World (’72)…I’m on the top of the world looking down on creation – – followed by Meatloaf with Paradise by the Dashboard (’77)…Though it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark nightI can see paradise by the dashboard lightAin’t no doubt about it…We were doubly blessed…Ain’t no doubt about it…
    • (17% complete. Despite a continuing irresistible urge to lip sync “Ain’t no doubt about it…we were doubly blessed…Tired theme. Deleted.)

  • Take 4: Recurring memories from High School. Inability to read sheet music, griping the Recorder, copying finger placement from my desk mate, shrill squealing that can only be boy-made, followed by the quick head drop to avoid persecution.
    • (13% complete. Replay of high anxiety and horrors from teen years. Terminated.)
  • Take 5: My Road to success and stress, like diamond formation, apply pressure and heat application to everything.
    • (37% complete. Couldn’t find a healthy end to the story. Quit.)
  • Take 6: It’s all about your wiring and DNA.  How to fail at meditation despite great coaching from Val and Karen. Pause and be. Listen fully. Take time to breathe. Find your middle ground. Pause and let go. Slow down your thoughts. Open yourself to heal.
    • (7% complete. A child hiding behind a curtain watching Masters twirl plates and pull rabbits out of hats. Total organ rejection. Surrendered…)

And so here I am.  Take 7.

I arrive at the office and draw up Susan Weiss Berry‘s declaration of self care:

I am on my side;

each day I am more and more on my side.

Each day I am more and more…

Something.

Anything.


Notes:

Comments

  1. You got me at take #1.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. At the desk, looking out the window of this new/old house I just bought, attempting to “fix” everything that needs serious fixing. At present watching the lawn irrigation system create a massive lake in the flower beds that can’t be flower-full because of the massive….lake. A neighbour attempts to continue his early morning run with his dog who is done with running period, and stop in front of this new-to-me old house. Neighbour looks at my now more than massive but gargantuan lake. Dismisses the error of my system and is thankful, no doubt, that his is in tip-top form. [Me watching owner/dog but also looking at blue sky with early morning sun rays peeking through dawn mist in the reflection of that gargantuan lake.
    I bet he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t.] Owner gives dog a brisk rub on back, and with that “stiff-upper” assurance that home is just nine houses down they are off….
    It’s all relative.
    We go. We stop. We fix. We go. We go. We fix. We stop.
    and…..
    sometimes we look and we see.
    What’s vital?
    Just.
    Keep.
    Going.
    ….and?
    Get a dog.
    (Still so in love with you. Wink. XRaye)

    Liked by 3 people

    • So good. You are so good with words. I was swept away with your story line. Congrats on the new/old house and the labor of love (and fixin’s). Thank you Raye.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I couldn’t have said it better, David. I am totally in love with this woman. She is just simply wonderful. And I wish her gift with words would pass over to me. 😀
        And, by the way, thanks to her, I found you! Double win for me!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ain’t no doubt about it,
    You are something
    And we are doubly blessed.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. i enjoy just reading what is going on in your mind’s ramblings….. see, you’ve done it in spite of yourself and your overthinking )

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What Susan said…even when you doubt, some of us don’t.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. WMS, WMS and Susan,too! Even when you’re feeling like you’re ‘off your feed,’ ya put up a post that we can ALL relate to in some form or fashion. *I* had a dreadful writing week as well…motivation in the gutter, inspiration nowhere to be found, everything a flog, and then I realized what was amiss…somehow I had been I unsubscribed from my ‘Live and Learn’ feed and had missed almost an ENTIRE week of Kanigan!! Re-subscribed, got my fix and somehow next week is already lookin’ better! 😎🍾

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Oh the pressures of blogging. Take a rest for a day or two or three. Don’t put so much on yourself, Mr. Sherpa. And yes, what jotsfromasmallapt said – “Get a dog.” Then both of you can take a walk and smell the roses.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. this is why you have 16,000 followers and I have 42; you care about the quality of what you publish and we are all better for it. I just publish whatever random thoughts come my way 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  9. doubt farming….
    there must be a surplus of seeds going round!
    and I’m pretty positive David, that even if the post subject was merely ‘a stone’ that somehow, you would manage to create a post we were all avidly reading to the finish.
    Thanks for sharing with us 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  10. We all have doubts, but I decided this year to stop wasting time on that crap. Another friend in our circle, just died of cancer, 40yrs. These beautiful souls constantly remind me. ‘Get up!’ Live each moment like it was your last. Blog from your heart, speak the truth, breathe in the abundance of this precious life! 🌸☘🌸

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Wishing we could wash all that self-doubt out of your hair (think “South Pacific”). So hard on yourself. God Almighty…. you do so much and for so many. xo

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I don’t know what I would do without Live & Learn. Without it there would be a hole in the universe the shape of you, as Arundhati Roy would put it. This much I know is true…

    I am not in no way, shape or form giving feedback or advice. But I know how it works for me. What ever I jot down and don’t publish right away looses it’s magic, even to me. I write in white heat and throw it out there instantly.
    I find your best tends to come through you, not premeditated.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. You could write about what you ate for breakfast and we would eat it all up…
    Just sayin’

    Liked by 2 people

  14. richardkanigan says:

    Had to laugh at Take 4. I experienced the same angst. Finally figured out that if I switched to the bongos, you can’t lose. Just bang the drum and all is good!

    Liked by 1 person

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