People ask me all the time what the secret to happiness is. “If you had to pick just one thing,” they wonder, “what would be the most important thing for leading a happy life?”
Ten years ago, I would have told you a regular gratitude practice was the most important thing—and while that is still my favorite instant happiness booster, my answer has changed. I believe the most important thing for happiness is living truthfully. Here’s the specific advice I recently gave my kids:
Live with total integrity. Be transparent, honest, and authentic. Do not ever waiver from this; white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. It is better to be yourself and risk having people not like you than to suffer the stress and tension that comes from pretending to be someone you’re not, or professing to like something that you don’t. I promise you: Pretending will rob you of joy.
I’ve spent the better part of my life as a people-pleaser, trying to meet other people’s expectations, trying to keep everyone happy and liking me. But when we are trying to please others, we are usually out of sync with our own wants and needs. It’s not that it’s bad to be thinking of others. It’s that pleasing others is not the same as helping others.
~ Christine Carter, Ph.D.
Don’t miss the rest of her great post here: Why It Doesn’t Pay to be a People Pleaser
Notes:
- Christine Carter Bio here.
- Carter is a Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work (Ballantine Books, 2015) and Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents
- Photo Credit: Penguin Random House Speakers Bureau
Live & Learn 
so wonderfully true. so much easier too, to just be. and, I love her last line.
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Great punch line. Agree
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excellent and all so very true –
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To understand that in being true to yourself, you are not sacrificing others. It’s a life lesson, constantly renewed.
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That is wisdom van. Not sacrificing others. Right there
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Sounds right … Yet I hesitate. Understanding the distinction between being kind – even when you don’t feel it – and not being untrue to yourself..it’s murky to me. And with that said, living a life in one’s truth is unarguable.
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I understand the hesitation. I find myself pushing out little white lies to avoid the swirl that follows when too much truth flows.
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And I obfuscate…what a pair!
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And I’ve yet to learn this but I’m working on it:.
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
– Will Durant
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😉
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Reblogged this on Bright, shiny objects! and commented:
Mmm good…
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Hmmmmmm. You don’t strike me as a man that does anything but speak the truth!
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down at my NA group my Grand-sponsor likes to say “The truth and spiritual principles are never in conflict”.
You know what that means?
Tell the truth!
Actually, it means more than that, but that’s a good start.
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Your Grandsponsor is a wise woman or man. Truth shall set us free!
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“Be transparent, honest, and authentic” Great words of wisdom. If the world could just learn to live by this rule.
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If only. Yes Bill. Thanks.
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I still prefer Hariod Brawn’s term Contentedness (contentedness.net).
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Like the term Bella. I’m off to check out the site. Thanks.
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I think you’ll like it, David! 🙂
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Christine Carter statement “a life lived out of alignment” to me illustrates our imperfectness. God lights the path and we often step off, to our detriment and we learn and recognize we have an opportunity to make a choice….are we going to be the man with the crooked walk? Will we move forward with a choice, of being mindful? Will a person choose to follow the Biblical guidelines along that narrow, straight road? Mrs. Carter’s says Live with total integrity, Be transparent, honest, and authentic. I agree with that, feeling it is honorable and a good way to live. I think that adding being kind, compassionate, diplomatic, generous, serve others while maintaining a balanced level of self care…Life is a gift…we are not guaranteed happiness, we must continually strive to overcome our unique circumstances . We must examine our motivations, before we act, we must guard what we say as to not put another down, we must lift others up. we must listen, We must be brave and courageous, we must exercise love….We learn from all from all we are exposed to…our experiences shape us and influence the way we interact in this world…We must recognize that we are a fleeting vapor in a vast world..and while we are here a work in progress. Will we honor this gift of life? What is the legacy one wants to leave? /// Christine Carter has another article that is worth the read: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/32_tips_for_my_daughter_before_she_leaves_home /// Dk I don’t usually notice you replying to the comments during the day…I hope you are not home ill, but enjoying a day of ease. Kindly, Christie
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We must recognize we are a fleeting vapor. Love this passage Christie.
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adding these thoughts: None of us has this figured out…we do our best to be better…I think that fear of rejection plays into not being totally forthcoming in an honest & diplomatic manner…I hope we all find Joy along the journey and have genuine, enthusiastic thankfulness for the gift of life….
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Yes. Yes. Yes.
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I’ve just read this post today. It is such a good one – even more powerful as she shares the message with her kids.
Being authentic and in integrity with ourselves is the foundation for all the goodness and fullness that life brings.
Otherwise we’re eating icing on a dodgy cake.
💛
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Yes Val. She has a wonderful way with children.
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I agree with Christie, we please others simply out of ‘fear of rejection’, but what I discovered in that pleasing, is that I am completely rejecting myself; my needs and my authentic self. Funny how it always comes around to face us. There is always a reason why we do the things we do.
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Always (a reason) 😃
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I shared several of your passages with a colleague this morning closing with “and while we are here, a work in progress.”. Your words matter.
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Dave, your words so affirming…Thank you for the encouragement! 🙂
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Reblogged this on Gr8fullsoul.
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Love this and completely agree. I always say the best way to be is unapologetically yourself 😬
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I’m so with you in that Adriana. Thanks.
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