Driving I-95 S. In Delirium.

Posted on by Live & Learn

light-hand-sunlight

It’s Tuesday Morning.
2:30 am.
I’m up.

It was my first morning thought, an omen. Susan sharing research about insomniacs and the early onset of Alzheimer’s. Bullsh*t. Research is Bullsh*t. I shake the thought like Zeke shaking off after his bath. Ears flying. Body quivering. I’ll decide when I’m losing it, not a minute earlier.

I’m mindlessly ripping through the morning papers and then turn to blog posts. A vacuum with indiscriminate digestion. A few morsels hang.

There’s Doug’s Law:  “You can have information or you can have a life, but you can’t have both.”

Bullsh*t Doug. Bullsh*t. I’m going to have it all. I’ll burn in it. I’ll wrap, and wrap and wrap myself in information and light up. I’ll sparkle like a Roman Candle. Red. Green. Blue. White. A shower of color.  Up up up, lighting up the darkness.  You’ll cheer Doug. You will.

And then there’s Psych2go with new research:  “Believing you have slept well, even if you haven’t, improves performance.”

There you go.  I just need to believe I have slept well on 4 1/2 hours of sleep. And, voila, I’ll be rested and operating at peak performance. Really? What unmitigated bullsh*t. I’m drowning in bullsh*t.

It’s 5:00 am. I get up from the couch after 2 1/2 hours of vacuuming, and the room spins. The ship pitches. My left hand reaches for the wall, touches the cool latex paint – I close my eyes and lean in with my shoulder.  The gnawing pit in the stomach twists – God, shower me in Dramamine.

The florescent diode on my dash is fuzzy, 5:22 flips to 5:23 am.  72° F.  Light rain.

Trucks, as far as you can see on 95, are on their way to feed Manhattan.  Car Carriers. UPS.  Flatbeds. Food stuffs. Electronics.  All hugging each other back to back to back. I quietly slide behind a semi and draft the pack. If you have a problem with my driving, call 1-800-x.

I pull into the garage.
I check the time: 5:46 am.
And as I sit in the car, here comes the last morsel by Audre Lorde:

The quality of light by which we scrutinize our lives has direct bearing upon the product which we live, and upon the changes which we hope to bring about through those lives. It is within this light that we form those ideas by which we pursue our magic and make it realized.

Give me Good Light.

Give me Magic.

Notes:

35 thoughts on “Driving I-95 S. In Delirium.”

      1. Here are my tips, for what they’re worth. They’ve definitely cured me of insomnia.
        No caffeine after midday. Don’t go on the computer after dinner. Read before bed. Ban yourself from active thinking if you wake up in the middle of the night. Lie on your back and concentrate on getting into the most relaxed position possible, especially making sure your shoulders are not hunched at all, with your arms at your sides. Have the bottom edge of your pillow is aligned with the top of your neck so your head is supported properly. Have a window open for some fresh air. Put drops of lavender essence on your pillow. Wear socks if you suffer from cold feet.
        Hope these work 🙂

      2. I tried melatonin. Warm milk. Meditation and praying the rosary helps tremendously. If you are not prayerful, say a mantra over an over again. The computer light impairs the sleep mode, that means less screen time.

  2. I hate insomnia. Melatonin helps. Apparently we have less of it in our bodies as we age and therefore don’t sleep as well as when we were younger. Also, I’ve read that they’re giving it to Alzheimer’s patients with some positive results. Costco also has a sleep aid that is supposed to be good. I haven’t checked it out yet so don’t know if it’s melatonin too.

  3. You already have great light and magic Mr Kanigan! And by the way…Are you waiting for the universe to speak out loud and say “Oh its time to do something about your insomonia?” Or do you just keep doing the same thing?” Too harsh?? You know I care deeply. 🙂 🙂 You can have it all…… if you believe it!! ha

    1. Laughing. I see you’ve given up the gentle nurturing Karen approach and dropping the anvil. It took you a while Karen, but you’re figuring the creature out.

  4. I love the photo you chose. I’m sorry to hear that you suffer insomnia 🙁
    I enjoyed reading your post especially Audre Lorde’s quote. I second you, “Give me Good Light. Give me Magic!”

  9. After reading that post, *I’m* exhausted, and I slept last night!! Have heard that meditation can calm one’s ‘monkey mind,’ but I’m too hyper to try it. 😉 Wishing you a respite, pal, I really am….

  11. “Profound joy of the heart is like a magnet that indicates the path of life.” Mother Teresa…What would happen if you used the sauna (I think you have a sauna?) before your head hit the pillow? ..Vit D, Calcium (helps to relax) and Vit B complex might help about 90 mins before bed… Please consider booking an appointment with the Sleep Specialist…May you continue to shine your light brightly, as we all benefit from it!

    1. Don’t have a sauna. I didn’t know sleep specialists existed, although I should be surprised there is a specialist for everything. I will check it out Christie. Thank you.

  12. Sarah above has some lovely tips, I’ve tried all plus a few more.The real problem comes with “Ban yourself from active thinking if you wake up in the middle of the night.” If only…

    Let me know if you figure out how to stay asleep. I have the luxury now of an occasional nap…that is all that gets me through. ☺

  13. I have to ask—do you snore? If so, a sleep apnea test might be in order. Brain asphyxia, man. Not a pretty way to go.

    I’ve had the same kind of insomnia all my life. A Xanax, a Benadryl and 2 Advil are my sure-fire 8 hours of sleep.

  14. So much good writing here. Your light is truly bright, DK, but I see it burning from both ends. You can’t do that, it won’t last long. Sarah gives some excellent advice, most importantly “ban active thinking” when you wake up too early. It is possible. Hard to learn, but possible. And it helps.

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