It’s 6:38 pm and I’m rushing across town to catch the 7:12 at Grand Central.
It’s 6:38 pm. I note the coincidence – I boarded the 6:38 am morning train, must be some significance in that. Or absolutely none at all and you are delirious.
The thought evaporates like mist and the mind shifts to The Feet. Still 75 minutes from home. The skin has been scraped raw off both heels from new shoes – I wince with each step. How about a few shots of Novocain Doc, hit me. Inject a few blasts in the forehead and let it slow drip, down the bloodstream, relieve the weight from the shoulders and back, and let it settle in my feet, just camp out right there.
The day ended with a semi-social event. Whatever marrow is left, is being sucked out of this introvert’s bones. A career development event for twenty high potentials. I step in the restroom a few minutes before the session, splash cold water on my face, and look. There’s me in the mirror. Thinning hair, and this is kind. Gray. Bags under the eyes, a raccoon Shoulders slumped. Suit rumbled. And they’re looking for some secret sauce from you? Try, please, try, not to repeat yourself. Try not to curse. Try not to be too authentic.
“What single core strength do you feel has contributed to your success?” The question comes from one young lady, and the other next to her smiles.
I pause, and cycle through the possible answers in my head. Hard Work! Focus! A great team! Commitment! All politically correct, and of course, that would be too easy. Bah! I go the other way.
“Well, ladies, I would say that better than anyone, and I mean everyone” – – and I pause before spitting it out, “I am better and faster than anyone at finding 43 reasons why something will go wrong, why I will fail, why something will end in a unmitigated disaster, and why I’m not good enough. And I can launch myself into the abyss better and faster than anyone.”
They stare at me, wonder if I’m joking, and then both laugh.
“Really?”
“Really!”
And I look at the two of them, with so much promise, so much time – – and noted that for the last 80 minutes, I have been feeding off their marrow.
“Best career session I have ever attended. Really appreciate your candor,” she shares while reaching to shake my hand.
And there I stood, having crawled out of the abyss, blinded by the Light.
Notes:
- Photo: Bemberes.
- Related Posts: Commuting Series.
- Inspired by: “One of these days, I will learn to bear to be myself…” Anne Sexton, from a letter to Robert Lowell featured in A Self-Portrait in Letters.
She appreciated your candour, just as we do, David. Isn’t that in fact the core strength?
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Smiling. It needs to be Michael. Needs to be. All I got!
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Reblogged this on O LADO ESCURO DA LUA.
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Thank you for sharing.
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One day, I’ll tell you my ‘sham theory’ – I lived that with every step up the ladder, chasing me and taunting..,and then I met those who mentored me. Far more successful, smarter – and far more convinced of their sham status than me (which theoretically, was hard to believe)
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Oh, I can’t wait for this. Can’t wait.
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Within the core of every successful person that I’ve ever met is the gnawing concern that they are not good enough, smart enough, and that one day, someone will discover that they really are not sure of what they are doing. But they keep going, in spite of it all.
Every. single. one.
.
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Smiling. So good Van. So good.
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Candor is in short supply these days as we all tippy toe around ” the one who shall not be named”. Thanks for sharing your marrow here David!
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Smiling. Thank you Val.
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like getting your vitamin d fix from facing the sun. soak in the light.
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Yesssss…..
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Great post, David. I hope those blisters heal soon.
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Thank you Jim. Still a bit tender….
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Welcome to the club, pal. Got your membership badge right here. 😉
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Smiling. Had that feeling’….
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Some feelings are universal, or almost so for most. Why, why! are we so hard on ourselves? And yet, on the pages of this blog, I see we also share the need to find and live our authenticity. And AMEN! to that, my friend.
(As I type this, the sun is just starting to peek out from our snowy New England morning. A good omen, I think.)
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Smiling. A very good Omen. Yet, bundle up friend, the chill is coming…
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“Try not to curse. Try not to be too authentic.”
Separated at birth, dude!
This is very familiar. I have often spoken at such events and my candor is often a bit stunning to those hoping for/expecting the usual, gauzy “you go girl!!!” encouragement.
Candor is rare and highly value as a result.
My greatest strength? Not giving up. 🙂
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SISTER! I’m feeling the connection. Thanks for sharing Caitlin.
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Hah!
I keep trying to guess where you live…I’m thinking Wilton? Weston? That’s a long commute you face.
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Only 43 reasons? Surely there is more? ha! 😜 Your honesty, vulnerability and authenticity is what attracts success in your life Mr K. When the ego talks, no one wants to listen, and no one learns. Bravo to you 👏👏👏
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Smiling. I’m sure the real # is north of 75, but with 43, there’s enough shame in that! Thank you Karen.
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I can relate after more than my share of those events. I think the truth would’ve been somewhere in between the two strains of thought, no? But you’re known to be good at beating up on yourself…so I get it. At least they didn’t tell you that ‘you’ve HAD an interesting life’ – that’s much worse a response than an innocent Really? Trust me.
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Smiling. All true Helen….
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