Thursday. September 18.
I’m up at 3:00 a.m., and operating on four and a half hours of sleep. Even this Bull-Head understands that this, This, is unsustainable.
Insomnia. A discipline, unlike dieting, I’ve perfected. I now understand, her words, Marina Tsvetaeva, and their meaning.
“After a night of insomnia
the body gets weaker,
Becomes dear but no one’s —
not even your own.”
I look out the window. It’s not dawn but pre-dawn. Moonless. Dark. And Still. Me, the crickets and the hum of the electrical current running the overhead lamp.
I rifle through my schedule for the day. 6:00 a.m. train. Breakfast and lunch with colleagues. A team dinner in the evening. Calls and meetings jamming all white space in between. 18 hours from now, I can take my suit and shoes off and crawl back into bed. I blink my eyes. Once. Twice. Three times. I cannot clear the blur. I close them and rest for a moment. Give me 20 minutes and I’ll be good – – fully functioning. Just 20 minutes.
The day landed as expected, full, including two nightcaps for this teetotaler after dinner. I pull the maraschino cherry from my cocktail and drop it in my mouth, when a colleague lets fly: “V.O. Manhattan, huh? My Father used to drink those.” I smile, proud not to have taken the bait. How socially acceptable and behaved you’ve become. There was a time you’d come across the table and level the score and then some. An eye for an eye, a leg, and an arm.
I’m on the 8:01 p.m. train heading home. 17 hours and counting.
A colleague is sitting across from me.
“I haven’t had time to follow your blog. Have you been posting?”
Exhaustion has set in. Everything is moving in slow motion. What’s the “right” response here? Sharing others’ work is not writing. Writing is writing. Sharing is scrapbooking. I’m about to state that I’ve become a proficient ‘curator’ in the field of ‘curation’, but I pull up. Curation, at this foggy-minded moment, is unseemly. A bully stealing Jimmy’s tantalizing chocolate chip cookies from his lunch pail.
“I haven’t had much inspiration, lately.”
“I really prefer your own writing versus the other stuff you post.”
Did I blurt out something about curation? It’s as if he heard the whispers in my head. Could it be that after two whiskey highballs, I’m mumbling and don’t even know it?
“Where do you get your inspiration from?”
The word ‘Lucid’ immediately came to mind. ‘Lucidness.’ ‘Lucidity.’ Better stated, lack of all of ‘THAT’. I need to be careful, I might mumble that out too. I was now conscious about the elapsed time between the question and my response.
“You know, Chris, that’s a great question. I’m not sure I know.”
I was about to share that Philip Roth believed that his work “evolved spontaneously.” That he “didn’t have a plan.” That from the same David Ulin book, Ulin believed that it is “difficult for writers to talk about their process, because the connections, the flow of storytelling, remain mysterious even to them.” That “it is conscious, yes, but with room for serendipity, a delicate balance between craft and art.” And then I decided against it – – this ‘was’ the whiskey highballs talking – – and I was relieved to have avoided falling unceremoniously into the dark Pit of pretentiousness.
I trudged home on foot in darkness, now approaching the 18th hour. I thought again about Chris’ question of inspiration. And I landed on three less-than-profound conclusions:
- I ain’t no Philip Roth.
- I’ll post what I wanna post.
- I’ll write what I want to write, “clean and free of bullshit.”
From a poetic perspective
I would like to say that
it is not my responsibility to write
what is clean and free from bullshit.
It is my responsibility to write what I want to write.— Lisa Marie Basile, interviewed by Amelia Shroyer for Huffington Post
Notes:
- Credits: photograph via keep away. Lisa Maria Basile quote: Korraled.
- Related Posts: Riding MetroNorth series.
Well, having had more than one written exchange with you on the topic, I think it is safe to make the assumption that we are playing for the same team. My middle daughter, who I moved to Charlotte yesterday has a saying, “It’s the same, but diferent”. I will, however, add one more quote, this one from Kurt Harden who once told me that the reason he blogs is “to amuze myself”. That short phrase is my guiding principle on SVU. Maybe today’s a good day for a nap?
Smiling. Thanks Ray. I took 2 naps. Did my push-ups as you suggested. And was able to get 6.5 hours of sleep. Huge progress. Thanks for the coaching.
Carry on writing what you want to write, DK. Long may it remain so.
I am intrigued at “I haven’t had much inspiration lately”.
Me too. Can you put your finger on why? I have been tied up in moving house (finally) and worrying about my Dad’s increasing frailty and possibility of him moving house, aged 94. Could that be it: not the usual amount of tie or energy to read, and thus less inspiration?
If not that, what else?
Love to know what you put it down to.
Meanwhile, might I suggest that we will not think any the less of you if you choose to ease up on the unpaid curator work you do for us!
Smiling. Thank you Michael. I can’t exactly put a finger on it (lack of inspiration). I can’t lay it on fatigue or work load…that is not it. I can’t point to major live or family changes as you have. I’m laying it on autumn. 🙂
That’s ok then, soon be winter!
Yes!
Chris is right! “I really prefer your own writing versus the other stuff you post.” The things you write about your children, your dog, this — are spectacular. So is the content you curate, however. I follow a lot of bloggers and I make sure that your blog is in a section of my feed reader that I try to get through almost every day. Why? imho, you’re one of the best male bloggers in your genre. I can offer suggestions on mechanics and plumbing, but you have a GIFT!!!
Awwwwww, my Shinto. Thanks for your kind words Todd. You got me going on this “thing” – this addiction. I have you to thank for my sleepless nights – because my mind won’t stop whirring!
Hi Dave. Regardless of writing vs. curation, it is he connection you forge among all that makes this blog so valuable to us. The writing and curation stirs many to think, act and quote your perspective. Thanks for doing this!
Awwww, Steve, thanks for the kind words. Means a lot to me. Have a great week.
All strength to the adventure! It’s the medium itself that determines choices and I know a lot of people who have a ‘thing’ about being at the receiving end of blog posts. They’re just weird…
Laughing. I LOVE your thinking here. LOVE it.
I’m just concerned for your sleep. Insomnia is dangerous.
It is. I’m changing up a few things. Last night was 6.5 hrs. – a good night for me. Let’s hope this is a trend.
I rarely curate, but each writer creates their own blogging style. It seems to work for you, I follow you.
That’s so true Alex. Thank you.
You curate. You write. You inspire thought and feelings and opinions and creativity. Call it whatever you want – the end result is so damn terrific it eclipses categorization. Get some sleep.
Awwwwwww. Thank you Mimi. I’m grateful for you. Full stop.
Needless to say that there’s never been anything to worry about your curating, writing or the balance of the two, but I hope you can find a way to get more sleep. Four hours is not sustainable…says a friend who got serious symptoms from such prolonged practice.
I’m working on changing up some things Tiny. One day doesn’t make a trend but last night was much better. Here’s to more sleep.
WMS. And may I add that this blog, dear friend, is YOURS, to do with whatever you so choose. Like others, I love it when you write–as I’ve said on numerous occasions, you have a gift. But you also curate incredible content, a fabulous mix of humor, hubris and provocation that I look forward to every single day. Get some rest, DK, and give yourself permission to be human and subject to the ebb and flow of inspiration (like the rest of us…). 🙂
Awww, thank you Lori. I appreciate the kind words, especially coming from you. I’m working on the rest thing. A top priority!
Whatever you post…it is a reflection of who you are, and that is what draws people in. Just let it be whatever you want it to be…and let it flow easily. You need to get more sleep. I found an herbal remedy that works for me and if you are interested I can send you a message…although I already know you trust very little with all the “green” stuff that I pour into my body. 🙂
Thank you for the kind words Carol. I like the advice of “let it flow easily.” Overthinking = anxiety = gridlock.
As to the herbal remedy, please send it to me. I’ll try anything, including your green goop. Thank you.
as bloggers, we all choose an array of things to post, from the endless possibilities out in the world. there is something about them that resonates with us, that we want to share. sometimes they are original thoughts, images, ideas, and others because they have touched us in some meaningful way and we hope for them to touch others as they have us. it is because they have meant something to you, that they all mean something to us, the readers.
“because they have meant something to you, they mean something to us”
That’s it Beth. Right there. Thank you.
Hi David, where ever your inspiration to write, curate comes from ,does it matter, other than that you do it because you want to. After listening to Elizabeth Gilbert’s TED talk , “Inspired creative genius”, I’m encouraged to blog on no matter what and enjoy the journey no matter the destination. Thank you for your offerings. Oh and get some more sleep, your body will thank you for it ( so will your immune system) and so will your creative spirit respond.
Thank you Colin. And thank you for pointing me to Elizabeth Gilbert’s TED talk. I’ve bookmarked it to watch this weekend. I’m working on the sleep thing. 🙂
Like Chris ( your co-worker) and Todd, I really like your own personal stories! they are the best. Get some sleep also please.
Smiling. Thanks Paco. Appreciate it. I’m working on the sleep thing.
I’m with Chris, love the stories like this one, about you and your life (and I am often inspired by your curation, too!) Keep it all coming, David – if and when it serves you! (And, I hope you find a resting spot…)
Hi Vicki. Thank you for the kind words and inspiration. I’m aggressively seeking the “resting spot!”
This is a great piece. Man, I love it. You pulled me in and I am there with you, great narrative. Are you a curator or an original writer? You are a man with a lantern. You hold it high and it shines bright. Keep it coming.
With that said, get some sleep.
Continue to hold your lantern high – Michael
Michael, your comment was the last on the string this morning, and left me with an incredible warm feeling. Thank you for your kind words. “You are a man with a lantern.” That, THAT will keep me going….
I’ve been thinking of your post since yesterday when I read it (percolating seems to be a way with me…) and what comes to mind is chicken/egg…what you curate and what you write – how to know what comes first, but it occurred to me that both are so good because, well because you have both. I know that the content you find and share with us does in fact bring us together, and so often brings me to a place within I might not reach on my own – over time, that feeds inspiration. I say, in my humble opinion, don’t change a thing! (Except the hours of sleep you log!)
Awwww, Bonnie, thank you. I appreciate the kind words. I’m now heading to sleep! 🙂