The measure of a community isn’t how it treats insiders, but rather how it treats outsiders.

Posted on by Live & Learn

[…] I now have a different view of small towns, one based in part on how they sometimes treat those they perceive as outsiders. Because I’ve had that experience as well, and it can be grim enough. […]

Over the course of our 12 years in Columbia, my family slowly but surely progressed from insiders to outsiders, beginning with the adoption of our youngest daughter, a beautiful girl from Ethiopia. My other two children, who are blond with blue eyes, were never followed by store employees; my youngest daughter was. My older kids were never told by their schoolmates that parents didn’t allow them to play with “kids like you,” or that it wasn’t “safe” to come to their house. Or that their “muddy” faces weren’t welcome on a hayride at a local farm. My youngest daughter has had all those experiences. She has also been told that slavery was necessary to “help” Black people to be ready for life in America.

No, none of this came from our friends, who were appalled right along with us. But we were forced to see a different part of our community, one that made our family feel far less like we were truly at home. […]

And that’s when I realized a truth that should have been blindingly obvious from the start: The measure of a community isn’t how it treats insiders, but rather how it treats outsiders. It is easy to be kind to your friends and allies. And when you experience that kindness, it can turn a small-town community into something like a security blanket. This is where you belong. But when you experience cruelty, a small town can be something else entirely. It can make you feel trapped and uneasy, as if there is no place to rest, as if your home isn’t truly your home.

What is your experience like if you’re the only Black or brown person in a sea of white? What is your experience if your household is a blue island in a red ocean, or a red island in a blue ocean? How much grace is extended to you when you fall or stumble? How much tolerance do you experience when you disagree? That is the measure of a place, not its love for its favorite daughters and sons.

— David French, from “Try Tolerance in a Small Town” (The New York Times · July 27, 2023)

Photo: David & Nancy French with their children. The Daily Herald.

29 thoughts on “The measure of a community isn’t how it treats insiders, but rather how it treats outsiders.”

  1. Preach!! It’s stunning how many pre-conceived ideas people have about anyone who falls outside the limited comfort zone. It’s awful

  4. Thank you for sharing, dk.
    As an immigrant of the Middle East, woman of color.
    I’ll just leave it at that!

  8. Despite being almost as blue as we are red, we’re in the top 10 whitest states in the nation. Or, I have stories. I cant wait ’til we fall off that list (and the scary part since 45 is, we will).😐

    2. (To clarify, ii seems some more-red states are aiming for greater whiteness via extreme profiling, voter redistricting, redlining, non-hiring, immigration games played with people’s lives, etc.)

  9. OMG… sadly true. Even here, in our lovely home country, we see it. Rarely, but still. And it’s not even only about the colour of yr skin. It’s being from the wrong ‘faith’, having the wrong parents, cruelties happen sadly everywhere.

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