No, it’s not my morning walk @ Daybreak @ Cove Island Park. Not yet 831 consecutive days, like in a row. It’s too damn early for that. 3 hours and 12 minutes before sunrise, to be precise. And here we are. As Ocean Vuong states in On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous: “Let me begin again.”
I thought about that for a moment. “Let me begin again?” or, “Here we go again?”
2:36 a.m. I snatch the iPhone and check Sleep data: 5 consecutive days < 4 hours sleep. I check the Dark Sky app: Clear skies.
Sully pauses his snoring to open an eyelid. His big brown eye looking through me: What is wrong with you Man? He turns his head, and falls back asleep.
I slip out of bed, head downstairs, my bare feet pattering on the hard wood floors, careful not to trip over myself in the darkness. I step outside, scanning the skies. There you are. Waiting for me.
It’s quiet. No Metro-North train whistles in the distance, the last train passing an hour ago. No dogs barking. No critters scurrying in the shrubs. Just me, and the cool grass under my toes, and my mind whirring.
Has to be some reason you can’t sleep DK. Moon’s gravitational pulls on the tides, and on you? Despite the viciousness of your lactose intolerance, for lunch, the Vanilla Häagen-Dazs with chopped almonds, slathered with Stonewall Kitchen’s Raspberry Syrup? And again, knowing that the act is insanity, before bed, another heaping ramekin chaser, and yes, with chopped nuts and the Stonewall Kitchen Devil juice. Or, could it be the Cruller? Excuse me? Ok, the Cruller’s (plural) from Stop & Shop, three glazed miracle buns, two at lunch and another before bedtime, as a side accoutrement with the Häagen-Dazs. Oh, oh! that feeling…with each injection of sugar, the coating of the tongue, the teeth, the mouth, my lips. Yes, DK, yes, that feels right. You so needed that. That feels so much better.
Until it doesn’t. Until the next Fix.
I snap a few shots of the moon. 61° F, a whiff of autumn in the air, which feels way too soon for that.
I get back into bed, and turn to Selma Blair‘s memoir Mean Baby: A Memoir of Growing Up.
“Yehi or!” I’d yell at the top of my lungs, quoting from the first lines of Genesis, the Hebrew words for “Let there be light!” “Blair!” she would croak, rubbing her eyes. “Why do you do this?” Next I made my way around the room, throwing open the door, turning on the television atop Mom’s childhood maple dresser, her mother’s before her, and flicking on the lights. I needed life, immediately. I needed every bit of everything, every bit of help, anything I could reach in order to cheerlead myself into embracing my day. Even then, I did this.
I too need life, immediately.
Like right now.
DK Photo: Waning Gibbous Moon (95%). 2:57 a.m. 62° F. Darien, CT. “Go slowly, my lovely moon, go slowly.” — Khaled Hosseini (The Kite Runner)
Live & Learn 
Ahhh pal, you know that any post that begins with a gorgeous cameo of La Luna ‘has me at hello.’ I am sorry you continue to battle the insomnia demon (though Lord knows the rest of us enjoy some amazing images and musings as a result) and DK, this love affair you got goin’ on with sugar….😳 I’m thinking an intervention may be in order. 😉
Heard an interview with Selma the other day…interesting woman, very thoughtful. I haven’t read the book, but after hearing her speak about the genesis of the title and the effects thereof, I added it to my queue. Link to the interview follows if you’re interested. Hope you’re able to grab a nap today.😉
https://the1a.org/segments/selma-blair-on-overcoming-lifes-darkest-moments/
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Laughing. Intervention or solitary confinement. One or the other. As to Selma, I’m a 1/3 in, lady has talent and can Write. Thanks for the link, I’m off to check it out. And then NAP-TIME. Have a great day….
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‘the ramekin chaser!” – wow. yes, sometimes we have to throw ourselves into a day and others we just glide right into. sounds like yours was a bit of a bumpy ride atop sugar mountain –
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Ramekin chaser. Isn’t that the truth!? “Bumpy ride atop sugar mountain” – like Sisyphus scaling Sugar Mountain!
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it is!
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The moon laughs at your insomnia, and some of us just empathize. But were it not for the stubborn refusal of sleep, we wouldn’t catch the moon or consider panorama that morning provides…
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Not sure that I see her laughing. Smirking maybe, pondering for sure…. Thank you Mimi.
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You need to come to work with me for a few days. Just be there, and listen. I’ll say he’s shadowing. You’ll quit sugar in a week. I promise you.
Now on the other hand, I’d like to shadow a day in your life. I’m not worried about your “lack” of sleep. I just think you’re made this way. You don’t need that many hours. I’m just judging by your productivity and focus.
You’re a step higher than sharp. You’re a high-fine grade wetstone. You use your time effectively. Where is the problem exactly?
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1) I thought you quit!?! 2) Yes, solitary confinement with hands in restraining braces should do it. 3) As to paragragh 2, hmmmmm.
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1. I’m still there for 2 weeks. And I’ll still be working as an independent contractor. I promise you’ll quit sugar.
2. Is it even humanly possible to be more productive and focused than you are? It’s scary. And you make me feel like I do nothing with my life.
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Independent Contractor. Got it.
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We’re discussing you here, not me!
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Laughing! It’s always about you (and Dale)
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Excuse me? How did I get thrown into this. I’ve been silent. So far.
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Laughing….
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Innocent me, minding my own business…
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Still laughing.
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Good. It’s great for the morale to laugh…
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It is….
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Isn’t it all part of the unraveling and weaving back together? …. and the moon is laughing.
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Oh She is Val, she is!
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Photographers do crazy things. Like getting up in the middle of the night to take a picture of the moon! But maybe you did it just because it feels so good to crawl back into bed for an hour or so.
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Or, maybe the body just says no more. Now sleep!
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Yes, a warm bed calling you in from the chill air? No contest.
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Yes!
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Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
Can’t sleep? Name of your blog … hmmm!! Awesome pic!!
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“Why I Wake Early”
Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who made the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety –
best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.
Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.”
― Mary Oliver
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Beautiful. Thank you for sharing Daniel.
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I haven’t read this poem yet. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing Daniel.
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That bit about the sugar felt like I was reading a drug addict’s memoir 😂 I can relate though!
Really love the re-framing of “Here we go again” to “Let me begin again” ✨
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Thanks Laili. So, spill it. What your sweet tooth must-have craving?
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Chocolate! And doughnuts… but I’m gluten intolerant 😅
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Donuts! Wow. Would have never guessed that!
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Are there a doughnut-lover-personality indicators?
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Well, not intellectuals like you for starters.
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Me, an intellectual! You flatter me, DK.
They are usually gourmet vegan doughnuts though, if that helps with the image 😂
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Spewed my drink out. Vegan Donuts. Come on Laila. That’s not a donut.
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You sound like my brothers 😂 I swear they are incredible! My meat-eating husband loves them!
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I think we may over-sugar because we’re tired; we’re tired because we don’t always get the 4 uninterrupted hours of REM sleep; we don’t get the needed length of deep sleep because a) naps and b) sugar. We’re miraculously human, but we only have a human organism for now! Skip the nap, have sugar earlier, go to bed, set your alarm for “This is Nuts Thirty” and see if that helps. (There should be enough life-right-now regardless!)
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OK. I like this plan very much. Very much. Thank you.
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I’m hoping yesterday was your cheat day… 🙂
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Hmmmmm….
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it’s funny, I just watched the Twilight Zone episode that Beth mentioned in her blog today “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street”.
at one point, one of the neighbors said “there’s something wrong with a guy who’d spend his time looking up at the sky early in the morning. and the guy responds by saying that sometimes he has trouble sleeping, so that’s what he does.
sounds eerily familiar 🙂
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Wow. Yes it does! 🙂
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I was up at stupid o’clock, too… And am lucky if I get 5-6 hours sleep on the regular.
As for the reason you cannot sleep… I won’t say it might have anything to do with the quantity of sugar you eat. I won’t say it.
All’s I know is, yes, I am a woman who likes to believe menopause is over but fears there are still repercussions… I have noticed lately that within on hour of eating sugar – I get hot flashes. I ain’t pleased. Not enough to not treat myself occasionally, as my backside likes to show but have had to reduce coz seriously? Not fun.
Under the Mask has said it. That is exactly what you should do 😉
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I’m going to try inching forward…thanks Dale.
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I really hope you do!
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btw Dale, what do you do at stupid o’clock?
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After lying in bed realising nothing is going to happen. I get up. Read a little. Take pictures of the moon :), Eat half a banana. And lately, at my mother’s suggestion, which I thought was hogwash but really does work. Take a small (keyword is small) glass of tonic water! The quinine in it acts as a sedative.
If you try it, just get the mini cans or at least a closable bottle… you might be surprised.
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Fascinating. Thank you. I will try it.
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I hope it works for you. 🙂
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If you slept each night or stopped sugar who would you be? Or what would you write about? Ha 🧐
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Laughing. God only knows! Truth!
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Scary reading. If it’s any help; I am not into sugary stuff at night but don’t get my required hours either. Sometimes I get up and read, or I mull over the worries of others (seldom my own though), but I *never* get dressed and go for a walk!
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Smiling. Mull over the worries of others, seldom your own. That is Something!
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