We are lifting off on flight #2395 heading back north.
I sneak a last peak at my smartphone, a text message from home:
It’s windy (very) here. Expect a bumpy descent into NY.
Lamott’s Help, Thanks, Wow: Three Essential Prayers comes to mind. Help! Thanks! Wow! Thank YOU for the soothing send-off. My fingers are on the keys to fire back a rocket. I decide against it. What incredible restraint you have shown. And yet, so unlike you. I sit and ponder whether I’ve finally matured in Middle Age. Shake my head. An aberration from the mean. I’ll get the final word when I get home.
And, it’s choppy.
The beverage cart is rolled cautiously down the aisle. It is now a “beverage” cart. There are no longer any complimentary snacks on two and half hour flights. It is noted that the seats still recline, and they are complimentary as part of the ticket purchase.
I ask for a Diet Coke. It will dissolve a nail and here you are fueling your tank. She offers me the entire can. Just drink half. Do it. I slug it back, all of it, like a thirsty sailor. There are no napkins, those cost extra, so I wipe the spillage with my shirt sleeve. Class.
And, it’s choppy.
As the plane lurches up and down and left and right, the soda sloshes around. The Oxidation process is well under way, my intestines groan. In my youth, my bowels could swell up like a dirigible and I would feel no discomfort – a light balloon drifting in a summer breeze. No longer. A whiff of dew and he’s a boogie-eyed meerkat on look out for the toilet.
And, it’s choppy.
Expect a bumpy descent into NY. We’re still one and half hours away.
There are core foundational principles with air travel. On the top of this list: “Avoid the Lavatory.” Unless you are ready to explode, don’t do it. Why do they call it a lavatory? Lavatory. It sounds like Def: A location where medical research is being conducted. But it is def: A room with a toilet and sink. AND LAYERS OF JUMPIN’ BACTERIA. The best outcome here is avoidance. Period. There is no close second.
And, it’s choppy.
Avoidance is now not an option. I stand in the galley area of the plane waiting my turn. I look up the long aisle way and watch and feel the plane tilt to and fro. Vertigo. I reach for the handrail in the galley. And I wait. And I wait.
And, it’s choppy.
A teenager exits. (Note that it’s Spring Break.) I reach for the door handle, and pull instead of push. I re-grip to find that the door handle is wet. It’s water. Yes. Water. Please.
I step inside. And take a quick inventory.
The toilet seat is up – and dripping wet. The sink – wet. The floor – glistening. Yet, your optionality is limited. Other options are bad options. Thankfully men have vertical options. I grab handfuls of towels to clean-up. There is no chance the person behind me is going to think I left this mess. I hit the flush button, and stand way back. Whoosh! The suction is so strong I’m worried it might pull me through the toilet and blow me out into the atmosphere. I exit, relieved.
I walk back down the aisle to my seat. I look down. The soles of my shoes are sticking to the industrial grade carpeting. I note that my pant cuffs are too long. Those two were sopping up matter in the Lavatory. I take my seat. And sigh. An empty bladder, but needing a hot shower.
And, it’s choppy.
My seat mate at the window, is quiet, and bookish. He gets up to go to the Lavatory.
He returns.
I stand to let him pass.
As I let him pass, the plane hits an air pocket, sending him tumbling into me. I grab his arm to stabilize him.
So sorry.
No problem.
I take my seat.
I buckle up.
I look down at the front of my shirt.
A dark shadow, a wet hand and finger prints.
As for Vonnegut and for me:
And so it goes.
Notes:
- Image Source: thecoppershark.com
- Related Posts: Driving Series
Live & Learn 
Laughing, cringing, smiling. Eeeewing. I’m so glad that men comprehend their anointing as they take the vertical position. Safe travels, buddy – thanks for taking almost 9000 of us with you to the airplane lav with you. LOL!!! Love it.
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Thank you Catherine! Appreciate the kind words.
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Don’t leave home without your Purell!
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I read with interest your comment, “There is no chance the person behind me is going to think I left this mess” and smile with recognition and understanding. Why do I seek approval of nameless, faceless strangers? Why do I feel the need to have the explanatory conversation in my head that goes something like, “I found it this way; I would never do this”?
Another brilliant, thought provoking post.
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Yes. Yes. Yes. Agree. Nodding my head. Your comment has stirred grist for another post. Thank you Carolann.
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You’re welcome!
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Always remember that we are nothing but bags of water and bacteria. At the lowest level, the highest magnification, we are not pretty. The war wages at all times between the microbes that make us ourselves and those that would undo us for their own ends. As Nietzsche so elegantly said “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” (but I still avoid airplane bathrooms).
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This was a worthy set of sentences. Read it 3x and nodding my head chanting genius. Esp loved:
At the lowest level, the highest magnification, we are not pretty.
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Sorry for the disconnected sentences. When I wrote them I was suffering from SPDH (St. Patty’s Day Hangover).
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I have become an expert with my feet and elbows. I feel like it’s the death walk when I have to use lav. Totally disgusting.
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I totally get it Frank.
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Flying back from the West Coast today and acutely reminded of all there is to anticipate…
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So much anticipation. Hope you had a pleasant flight.
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Something was just determined to mess you up that day! Odd how we get days like that, where a related thing occurs several times – leaves you wondering! 🙂
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It does. One moment connected to the next and the next. All tightly bound. As if there were a message….
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Hmm…I’m left wondering if you were adequately appreciative of having the vertical option. Btw, Diet Coke has been my preferred drink on short flights, but I’m considering a radical change to water…I can do with the belly fat I have. http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/03/17/bad-news-diet-soda-drinkers-your-favorite-beverage-may-lead-to-more-belly-fat-as-you-age/ Oh, did I say, I loved your post?
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Smiling. As to vertical option, I am highly confident of my gratitude for this functionality. I have cut my Diet coke down to 1 can a week. Better than the 1-2 a day. And have almost made the conversion to 70% water. Not bad but a ways to go. Thanks for the link. I’m on my way to check it out. And thanks again, for the kind words.
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Great article Helen. Thanks for pointing me to it.
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I’ve previously mentioned, that I am not well traveled. I understand that when I was ten days old I flew on a jet plane (so I don’t think it counts, never embarked on a flight ) – that must have been a trial for my Mom, traveling with four of her then five children. While my father and oldest brother drove with our worldly belongings.So I will take your word on air travel. I love your, honest, humorous, descriptive writing.& the reality of business travel . “AND LAYERS OF JUMPIN’ BACTERIA” (spr17) is correct don’t fly without some hand sanitizer. PRICELESS, DK Quotes “There are core foundational principles with air travel. On the top of this list: “Avoid the Lavatory.” …Avoidance is now not an option” “The soles of my shoes are sticking to the industrial grade carpeting” .And, it’s choppy….I hope that you experience Much Joy in the remainder of your day 🙂
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Thanks Christie. I’m confident that when you were 10 days old, the flying experience was entirely different and more enjoyable than what we have today. I’m highly confident.
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Now that I’m over the fit of giggling this post elicited, I’m in full sympathy mode, pal. On our recent flight home from vacation, I realized “waiting it out”
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Yes Lori. Waiting it out is the preferred option. Sometimes though….
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Was not an option, and honest to God, I felt like I’d entered some sort of toxic waste zone. Sad…
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Airport bathrooms. Airplane bathroom. Arena bathrooms (concerts). All high traffic zones. Horrors. It is sad.
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P.S. GREAT post, vintage DK…
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Thank you Lori. 🙂
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“As the plane lurches up and down and left and right, the soda sloshes around. The Oxidation process is well under way,” so true about the oxidation process…I like to read/research about the mitochondria, cell signaling, cell death, what might retard the oxidation process, etc..
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Cell death. How visually disturbing. 🙂
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My skin is crawling. A nice disinfectant hosing-down is in order.
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Yes. Exactly my sentiment.
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“Was it choppy?” ha Somedays we are just better off staying in bed. Great writing. 🙂
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🙂 Smiling. Yes. And somedays you need to get home.
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Such a pungent reminder of the worst, the skin-crawling, skin-shrinking WORST of flying! mmm bucket loads of sanitizer.. All of which serves only to make the bacteria immune…
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I totally get it and agree… 🙂
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I find my self coming back to this post. Today, I almost spit out my water as I was laughing so hard 🙂 Many a times I have exited a bathroom, an outhouse in total disgust with out having used those facilities – just couldn’t. // At an audition, recently after using a mic, I brought out the pocket size hand sanitizer just as a friend was glancing over, to my surprise he declined the offer. We have an inside joke running about pocket sized hand sanitizer. .// Technically, it did happen, I have flown but at 10 days old I do not count it as so. Oh, the self denial. 😉 I’ve heard that in the past, there was a slogan “Fly the Friendly Skies of United”
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Smiling. I get it Christie. I get it.
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I was to be on a flight heading east next week, and for so many reasons I am eternally grateful I cancelled the trip. Your brilliant, and hilarious. and sooo real post serves as the icing on the cake DK! Fantastically done and it’s truly as if we were flying the friendly skies right along with you!
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Smiling. Thank you Bonnie.
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“A whiff of dew and he’s a boogie-eyed meerkat on look out for the toilet.” – Lol!!!! It’s all really funny.
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🙂 Thanks Carol. Truth can hurt and be funny! 🙂
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Oh how that has happened to me before. Ugh. And the bathrooms are so dang small, you barely have space to drop your pants.
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Funny you mention that. I think about that exact thought each time I walk in. It must be terribly difficult for large people.
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Painfully funny. I totally get it. Public loos often feature in my nightmares. 🙂
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Smiling. I don’t think we are alone Sarah.
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