I’m on the 5:01 a.m. train to Grand Central.
I’m riffling through two days of morning papers. Without breaking stride, I shift to chopping through a small mountain of emails. I pause. I can feel my pulse accelerating. Work mode. Game time and it’s only 5:45 am.
The train moves through the tunnel. Internet connection is lost. I close my eyes for a moment looking for a few minutes of rest. But it’s not rest I find, it’s restless.
I shift to Kindle.
Elise sent me a link to a book over the weekend. I’m a few pages in. My mind drifts. I worked with her, could it be 9 years ago? Where does the time go?
Describe her in 5 words: Centered. Gentle. Peaceful. Kind. Goodness.
I get off the train. I’m walking briskly down 42th street. City is alive at 6 am. I cross Park. Madison. Fifth. Avenue of the Americas. Times Square. ABC’s Good Morning America is setting up outside on Broadway and 44th street…crowd milling.
I let her down. I remember the look in her eyes. I couldn’t have been more than a three minute conversation 9 years ago, and it’s a piercing tattoo etched in my mind. Thoughtless, wrong, self-serving.
“People always say life is too short for regrets. But the truth is, it’s too long.”
~Sarah Addison Allen
I walk down Broadway. I see him a block away. Third time in three weeks.
“Help the homeless.”
He’s got a pseudo lock-box in his hand.
“Feed hungry children.”
Feels like a scam. Looks like a scam.
Bill O’Reilly stated that it was divine inspiration that led him to write “Killing Jesus.” (Hmmmm)
Describe her in a 6th word: Angelic?
I take a bill out and hand it to the man.
I like the Allen quote. Good point.
And so true…
There has to be a place in this morning where you truly close your eyes and just be. My pulse accelerated as I read this, my heart hurt feeling your remorse. The quote is so true – the truth lasts a long time – forgiving one’s self seems to take a long time too.
It does Mimi. So long and so difficult.
I believe we learn and appreciate the most…in those moments. All of life is “becoming”…that is what I believe, through our own actions, through our own reflection.
Yes Carol. We remember, we sometimes learn, and sometimes break bad habits. And reflection all a critical part of growth and healing process. Thank you.
Reblogged this on Sunday School on Steroids-The Seminary Experience.
Thanks for sharing Enna
I often now go camping. Here I was camping in a wood, in front of me a fence, behind the fence a railway line. One morning I stuck my head out of the tent. It could have been an individual like you on the train rushing along the line, you could see my tent, sometimes I wave to you all. As the train rushes past on its way to London, I turn my head to the right, a Green European Woodpecker is on the ground not far from me, it keeps my attention for a few minutes, it is trying to encourage worms to the surface for food. Ahead of me spiders building webs in the grass, some unusual beetles on the ground. I am aware the grass is alive with insects. A robin sings in the tree behind me. I walk back into civilisation, crossing a bridge, two swans on the water below the bridge.
Wonderful visual Alex. Thanks for sharing.
Yin-yang my friend. Striving to achieve balance is probably the best we can do to diminish the noise of our demons. Given that Elise was your inspiration, “balanced is likely entirely appropriate.
Awwwww yes Stephen. Yes.
Terrific post. I felt every word. Even my pulse accelerated as you read work emails. What is this need to always be ‘on’? Is it that we’ll think too much if we let ourselves just ‘be’? I think so. My mind wanders to scary places when not connected or kept busy. I think of all the bad things I’ve done and those I’ve hurt. How can I ever be redeemed? Should I be? Why does it matter so much what others think of me? Why can’t I forgive myself, but I can easily forgive others?
Why isn’t it enough that the Lord forgave me my sins?
You write the words in your comment Renee, and it could have been me thinking and repeating each one of them. You captured it. Thank you for sharing.
David, you humble me with your kind comment. We all need to learn to let go and let God. It’s a struggle, but I think I’m finally getting it. You are too….
Love, Renee
inspiration comes in all kinds of packages, sometimes we don’t recognize it as that at first, but later it shines through clear as day. never feel bad for not seeing it the first time, it’s just that you weren’t ready yet to see it.
Yes Beth. I believe this to be true. Thank you.
This is a beautiful post, David, I felt every emotion. Yes, life seems too long sometimes, and self-forgiveness does not come easily.
Thank you Carolann. Forgiveness of self is especially difficult. Reminds me of this quote:
“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.”
— Alden Nowlan
You never let me go away without a gift. Sometimes, its a smile and at other times laughter, tears of happiness, a thought, a question, a feeling or a memory. Thanks David
Thank you so much for the kind words Sonia. You made my morning. 🙂 Dave
I’ve been there. Hurrying home one Friday night, tired, I passed a young man who asked for money and instead of pausing as I so often do, I shook my head and carried on… his quiet words followed me.. I’m just so hungry. I will never, ever forget that moment of absolute shame and simultaneous remembrance that some many years ago, that might have been my then lost son. In fact, given some different choices and circumstances, it could so easily have been me, long ago. I learned so much that night as we sat in Tim Hortons and shared a meal or two. About his life, lots about his mom whom he so obviously loved, and by observing, much about who he was and could possibly be and perhaps by now, is well becoming. Or not yet. I learned the most, though, about my own shortcomings and frailties. I love the quote, I love the way that you write, David, and I love the way that you take such care and time in your own busy busy world, to reply with such thoughtfulness to every post. I learn such a lot from you in so many ways. Every single day. Thank you.
Makere, I can’t remember when I was so moved by a comment to a post. Thank you for sharing this. And thank you for your kind words.
“His quiet words followed me…I’m so hungry.”