Yesterday. Marathon meeting starting at 8am. A single topic, full day meeting ending at 3pm. Tight agenda on an important subject. Full engagement by all participants. Constructive collaborative discussion. Good meeting. Yes, an Oxymoron.
We finish our working lunch and continue at a workmanlike pace chopping through the agenda. My mind drifts. Back to a moment in 1985. A moment drifting into consciousness hundreds (1000’s?) of times. (Can it really be 28 years ago? You’ve deeply regretted so many other foot-in-mouth-moments. Why does this painful one keep coming back?)
It is a past that’s never over.
A past not even past.—Jill Alexander Essbaum, from The Devastation
It was a similar set-up. A conference room. A single important topic. This time in Michigan. Like an aging black and white photo graying and misty on the edges, I can see the main players in the story, while the table, the blackboard, the bookcase are all fuzzy, out of focus.
She was a veteran.
I was young.
She was difficult. Loud. Arrogant.
I was fearless. Always right. Tightly wrapped in a long flowing black robe of truth and honesty. In pursuit of continuous improvement. Pushing forward progress. At whatever cost.
She was a veteran. Wasn’t popular but tolerated.
We were nearing the end of a long day. The meeting was grinding forward.
She was talking. Ranting.
I cut her off.
“Judy, listen, everyone thinks you are an x. Why don’t you sit back, x-x, and listen to others who know what they are talking about?”
Room went silent.
She dropped her head. And didn’t lift it.
A divorced, single mother of two teenagers.
25 words.
10 seconds.
And I’ve been carrying this load for a lifetime.
Afterword:
There have been 30,025 comments on this blog since inception in October, 2011. Let’s say ~15,000 if you exclude mine.
Q: How many negative, personally directed comments have been posted?
A: One. Just 1 out of 15000! An incredible statistic. And a statement about this community.
Q: Do you know which comment I most remember out of the 15000?
A: Just one. The one that cut.
Source: Essbaum Quote – A Poet Reflects. Portrait by stephanvanfleteren.com.
Without our burdens of the past, we would create even worse ones in the present. Take care, David.
So true John. Thank you.
David – is there anyone among us who has no memory of unkindness that we carry, weighted with more gravity than any act of kindness? Twenty some-odd years ago while you were on your path, you made a cutting comment – to a veteran of the wars of work. And I believe she no longer remembers what you said – for it was your lesson, not hers. And you learned it, took it to the depths of your heart and remember it daily. Perhaps, just perhaps the cutting comment from one of your followers was a reminder of that which you already learned, and maybe it was a lesson for the person who posted that hurtful (and as I recall completely inane) comment?
Maybe the takeaway is that with all the deserved affirmation and affection you receive, there might be value in holding on to the feelings they evoke? To let ourselves be loved…to feel worthy of it – for me a lifelong struggle. And I don’t want that for you or anyone. In action and word you have apologized to that woman a gazillion times over..
Sorry for such a long winded response..
Mimi, I read this the morning you shared it. It has stayed with me all week. And it’s still with me. I’m marinating in it. Thank you. Full stop. Dave
You are my friend. Sometimes you are my mirror. That’s how it goes.
Mirror. That’s right.
what mimi said………..
Yes, the wise sage that she is…
I would think that we all share similar experiences….giving and receiving. Is there any way to find her and say you are sorry? Becoming willing to make amends is a beautiful thing….good luck.
You know Ray, that is a very good idea. Thank you.
if only………
Sometimes the most important lessons in life are the ones that hurt the most. Your shared, painful memory will be a reminder to us all to choose our words carefully.
Great story.
Thank you.
WOW! Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? Why is it so easy to remember the negative? I don’t know. Thank you for your willingness to share from the depths of your soul. I agree with Mimi, too, be kind to yourself.
So true Carolann. It is so difficult to forgive ourselves. It is so easy to remember the negative and take the negative. Thank you.
David, this is very powerful. It’s direct, honest and touches on a topic that we all can relate to—regrets about things we’ve said or should have said. I find, like you, that there are times when an old memory is triggered by a current situation. Suddenly, I’m rehearsing in my mind a scene from years ago, wondering if I had said or done something different, things might have turned out better. “If I had only said…” It can consume you, if you let it. The best advice I can offer is to learn from it (which you obviously have) and try to move past it. You are a decent guy. You’re sorry. Now forgive yourself! Yeah, I know, easier said than done. (I am still working on it myself.) – Jay
Very thoughtful Jay. Thank you. Dave
David – you have a great ability through your writing to bring us readers along for the ride and deep into your story. As Mimi says above, this was your lesson and I trust you have learned. Of course you also opened the door for each of us to slow down and think of our past and yes, if we are honest, we have all been there. Live, Learn and Continue on.
– Michael
Thank you Michael. Thank you.
You’re soooo wise. Wonder of you really know that? Powerful
Not sure about wise Michael. But experience can be a wonderful teacher. Especially if you repeatedly make the same mistakes. Thank you.
If we pooled our regrettable incidents and recorded them to make an anthology, what a fat book we would have. More like a set of encyclopedias! (Ha! Remember those?)
Laughing. Yes, it was be a set of Brittanica’s
Great post. So many times I have hurt someone (or myself…) in a meeting situation, desperate to push things forward. Forgetting that not hurting someone should always be the highest priority.
Yes, I’ve made the mistake so many times Phillipp
There are words said, actions taken, that I wish I could take back as well. As has been stated already, for some reason we remember those vividly and yet, the words said, the actions taken that helped lift a head, brought a smile through the tears and whispered words of “thank you” are not as easily remembered. A great reminder to be speak with care and thoughtfulness.
So true Laurie. So true. Thank you.
thank you for sharing something obviously so close to your heart. i felt it.
Thank you
selective perception.
Could be. Then I should have done a better job with my selected perceptions.
We’ve all been there, David. You have captured the agony of such a pronouncement–made in a fit of pique with no thought to long term consequences, for you *or* the other person–so eloquently. As others have said, a potent reminder to speak mindfully….
Thank you Lori
David, gripping story. beautiful writing. thank you for your honesty, and the reminder, that our words count, that every interaction is an opportunity, that the person on the other side of the conversation is a human being to be understood and appreciated. i hope by sharing you can begin to let go of the pain of that moment and embrace all the goodness it has inspired you to create…
Thank you Vicki. It was, partially, therapeutic.
David, I understand where you’re coming from. We forget sometimes that we are human. That we are all carrying some burden that no one knows about. We think our problems are worse than someone else’s, but they aren’t. There are others that struggle every day. We forget that. So before we open our mouths, we must weigh what we have to say before we speak. Will it hurt? Will it hinder? Will it make a difference tomorrow? Does it really f-ing matter? In most cases, the answer will be to keep our trap shut and move on. As humans, we are flawed and we speak out of turn often. We must rise above it and treat each other with kindness, for we are all fighting a battle. Some battles we’ll win, and some we’ll lose. Peace to you for that comment. And know that she, most likely doesn’t even remember what you said.
So true Rheath. “In most cases, the answer will be to keep our trap shut and move on.” That should be my mantra. Thanks for sharing your thoughtful comment.
Thanks for reminding me to keep my mouth shut and move on. It’s easier said than done for me though.
Why is it so hard to forgive oneself? Besides, it’s not your fault either because nothing happens without any reason. What matters is that you still remember the experience by heart and I believe it has taught you something really important about life which will make all the difference in the end.
It is so hard to forgive oneself. Yet, we are so much more forgiving of others (sometimes). Yes Sonia. Enigma.
We all have moments like that, words said, that we wish we could take back and they haunt us, but if we learn from them, we’re better people.
Yes Darlene. I agree.
Not to diminish what you’ve said in any way (and I can’t add anything intelligent to the comments already left) but the first 2 words jumped out at me. I thought – YAY! he’s training for a marathon! I’ve noticed the distances are increasing – great, GREAT way to relieve stress and whatnot. But you probably already know this.
I read this 4x. I’m completely lost. Need to take your IQ down a bit for me…
My comment is SHALLOW and I was apologising for that!!!
My mind flitted in a direction not gone by you or the rest of your readers …
LAUGHING. I’m such a dumb a**. I was scratching my head trying to figure out what you were talking about. So funny.
You give me too much credit …
🙂
Oh, dear David, this truly is such a powerful piece of writing. You are a creature of such passion and feeling. I believe that you will always be connected to this person by that single incident. She may remember and you will certainly remember, and the fact that you express such chagrin at having hurt a single soul in that way only shows the depth of your compassion. Carry that incident as one of the greatest sources in your life of true wisdom. I admire you for writing about this, rather than forgetting about it. Much love to you my friend.
Thank you Carol. Thank you for your kind words and your friendship. Dave
🙂
There are a few different things that jumped out at me from your story.
She was a veteran.
She was difficult, loud, arrogant.
She was not popular but tolerated.
So, how much more satisfying could her career have been, and those of her peers, if someone would have called her out on her dysfunctional behavior years earlier? I wonder how she remembers this moment, Dave. Does she remember a rude whippersnapper who didn’t know his place? Or, as the moment that someone was brave enough to hold up a mirror that helped her to change the image she didn’t want?
Of course you could have delivered the message in a more constructive way. You would not do it again today. ( Or, maybe you would as we return to what we need to learn.) But I wonder what would have happened if someone had the courage to speak as you did years before.
So thoughtful Susan. The aha was “we return to what we need to learn.” Boy, is this so true with me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Helpful. Dave
You are welcome. One of the most important things I have learned from my Hindu relatives is that “reincarnation” is not about living your whole life over again, but by being presented with lessons until you learn them. When you learn them, you move on to a new life ( or lesson? They never covered this in Catechism drills.) Anyway, think this lovely idea has some merit.
It is lovely Susan. Thanks for sharing.
Wow! that’s so powerful!
It is…
Just think of the opportunity. A lesson reappears until it is learned. When it’s learned, you move on.
I love reading your blog and those of others who have a wealth of real world experiences. It is the sharing of these experiences that I love. My small contribution to this discussion is something that my boss recently told me when discussing a project ribbon cutting. He said we make good decisions because of experience and we gain experience through poor decisions.
Mark
Hi Mark. Thank you for the kind words. No shortage of poor decisions with real world experience here. 🙂
Words given can never be taken back.
Boy, I’ve learned (not fully) this lesson the hard way.