Driving Merritt Parkway North. With Whale.

~ Live & Learn

Friday evening, late rush hour. Traffic is crawling up the Merritt Parkway, my alternate route for I-95 North. Waze is navigating.

Sirius 70’s on 7 cues up Steve Winwood with Back in High Life Again. Damn tune is more than 30 years old! “From fifty to eighty”, Grace Paley said. “Seconds, not minutes.”

The intermittent stop and go, inches us forward. The pace, is ok. It’s been a long week, a long day, and we’re in full surrender mode. Weekend come, come, come, pick up the pieces. Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a…

It, the day, started at 5:30 am.  Office dark, floor quiet, and I’ve lost myself in a deliverable with a short fuse. A losing of yourself in yourself. The clock is ceaseless, unrelenting, in its march forward: 6:00. 6:30. 7:00. 7:30. 7:45, and all without notice to the occupant in the office.

I save my work. Hit print. Close my eyes for a second. The internal gearing of the laser printer warms, the file contents zip across the cables and Bam! – each of the four pages are spit onto the floor.  I peek at my watch, 8:00 am. Two and a half hours. Wow.

I lift my head from the silvery screen, making a quick break from my opioid, and stand. Too fast. 

The lights dim, the eyes blur, nausea fills the belly. I reach for the arm rest on the chair. Steady Dave, steady.

I’m half way down the hall to the rest room, and my line veers left. Wheels need alignment but not coming off.  I pull back to center, but I’m tugged left. Give it a moment. Has to be vertigo, a temporary condition. Natural balance will be restored to its rightful place. Just give it a minute.

I step into the restroom, the disinfectant, a smelling salt. I stand in front of the mirror, splash cold water on my face and let it air dry. Both hands lay flat on the countertop, which is dry, clean, and unsoiled from a full day’s hands.  Woozy. The Head, a Balloon, in a multi-pack of balloons, tethered to a string, slapping in heavy weather. 

I text my assistant, who pops her head above the divider: “Please, create a gap on calendar. Something’s off.”

I wave off the “You ok to drive home?” before she leaves for the day. “Time you called the Doctor, no?”

Doctor? No.

It’s Melissa Febos’ shadow in Abandon Me that lurks in the deep waters, where it swims in the Bluest of Blues. 

Like the dark length of a whale passing beneath a boat.
It stole my breath –
the shock of my own smallness,
the strength of the unseen,
how easy capsizing could be.

How easy capsizing could be…

So, there it is, frightening and seducing at the same time. More disorientation gifted in a day not short of wobble.

I wait out the storm. Wait for It to tire of its wait.  And with two flaps of its flukes, it fades, swimming far out to sea, the gentle waves of its Wake lapping my skin. 

It’s gone. For now. 

Notes:

55 thoughts on “Driving Merritt Parkway North. With Whale.”

  6. Your are right, how easy capsizing can be..“How do you define taking care of yourself? Create a new self-care practice today. Observe your comfort levels when it comes to being good to yourself. Discomfort is a wise teacher.” Caroline Myss ……. Listen to your teacher Mr K.:)

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  11. i hope that you go and have a check, part of taking care of yourself. do it for those you love, including yourself. you are so dedicated to get to the office so early, use they dedicated power to get yourself to the doctor. take it easy on yourself. why push the limits?

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  12. Go to the doctor…really! I waited too long about 10 years ago with the same sorts of symptoms and ended up paying a heavy price. Go to the doctor.

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      1. Sorry…but you need to go. I had bleeding ulcers (but didn’t know at the time), was feeling very tired and dizzy, almost feeling like I was going to black out before I finally went to the doctor. The day that I went I could barely walk I was so dizzy. I was immediately admitted to the hospital, threw up an entire sink full of blood (exorcism stuff for sure!), had lost half my blood supply, and very nearly died. They thought my heart was going to stop beating because I just didn’t have enough blood. Anyway, you just never know sometimes…so go to the doctor and find out what is wrong. Please.

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  13. Orthostatic hypertension….symptom, not diagnosis. Dave, go to the doctor – get checked and reassured. And my friend, you need a new rhythm to the beat, beat, beat of your work life. Said with affection, so don’t be pissed…

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  14. Those were my exact symptoms when I had a heart attack. I know symptoms are different for men and women but I would hate for it to be something serious. My symptoms went away after a few minutes but I went to the ER, they did some tests, had an angiogram, and now I have 3 stents.

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      1. Also,
        It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
        Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
        Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.
        Just lightly (make a doctor’s appointment ) and lightly (follow up).

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    1. Effing phone.
      …more posts from you.
      I think you’ve been nudged, cajoled and outright told to hightail your arse to the doctor (this from someone who doesn’t know you but who still gives a damn…)

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  18. Beautiful photo. You know that your posting your thoughts is your subconscious yelling for the push you need to go find out what this scary thing is that happened. Not wanting to know, but you need to go find out. May be nothing, but if it’s something, it can be dealt with. I hope you are reading this in the doctor’s office.
    Nancy Nurse here, over and out.

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  20. I saw my whale too. It knocked a coffee cup from my hand and taught me a lesson…manage your stress. Now. And I didn’t see it again, not that big. Take care of yourself. Please.

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