Walking. Cross-Costco.

~ Live & Learn

cream-puffs

We’re on a Costco run.

I’m generally not invited on Costco runs due to some Priors, some unfortunate displays of lack of self-control, some poor judgment, followed by regrets: “It won’t happen again.”

But rations were way down, there was some heavy mule work required, and so, here I am, with my adult chaperone.

The front of the store is stacked from floor to ceiling with 65″ HDTVs, deeply discounted laptops and seasonal deals on cell phones. Gadget man’s entire body is trembling, but is pulled forward with a scolding: “You don’t need any more. Come on!”

It’s 10:30 am and I’m working here on an empty stomach. The nose catches a whiff of chocolate and separately, of cheese. Sampling Stations! 

“I’ll catch up with you later.” I can feel the stink eye on my back, but first things first. I turn and head across the store, the stimulated nostrils acting as the GPS.

Triple chocolate brownies. “Thank you.” I let the chocolate melt in my mouth, close my eyes and whisper: Jesus, I’ve stepped right into Heaven.  I grab a box from the shelf and tuck it under my arm.

I find the second sampling station. Cream Puffs! “Wow, these are great.” The lady adjusts her hair net and offers: “Go ahead, try another one.” “Thanks so much.” I pop it in, bite down, the cool, sweet whipped cream coats my mouth and slides down the tummy. Can the second be better than the first? When the crowd builds around the Cream Puff station, I sneak a third. Screw the newly acquired mid-life lactose intolerance.

I keep walking, licking the sweet off my lips.

Sinbad Sweets Baklava. $8.99.  18 assorted sweets. Crispy Fillo. Honey Butter. Premium nuts. Handcrafted.  Are you kidding me? I grab a box.

Cheese Pizza Sampling Station!  Costco Kirkland Brand Frozen Cheese Pizza. Breadcrumb crust. 100% real cheese. I stare at box cover while chewing a slice. Golden bubbly brown cheese.  10-12 minutes at 425 F. $9.99 for four pizzas. I grab a box. I know what we’re having for lunch.

I keep walking.

Clementines. $6.45 for 2 dozen. Japanese Orange explosion. I need to adjust the goods under my arms to carry the load.

I keep walking.

Three loaves of fruit bread: Chocolate Cranberry, Butter Pound Bread and Pumpkin Struesel. $7.99.

The hands and arms are now fully loaded. I circle back to home base to find my chaperone, who looks up and down the composition of the load:

“Seriously, are you kidding? And wipe your face!”

I clean-up the remnants of the Cream Puffs with my sleeve, she’s shaking her head.

I look in her cart. Brussel sprouts. Corn. Lettuce. Bread. Bananas. 2% Milk. Paper towels.

I place all of my necessary supplies into the cart and bark out a warning:

“Don’t you dare touch any of these. Not a single one.”

 

Notes:

 

118 thoughts on “Walking. Cross-Costco.”

  2. I began reading this and immediately thought, “Nooooooo, don’t do it, step awayyyyyy from the Costco, it’s your Scylla and Charybdis, buddy! Step in and you are gonna be sucked into the void. We all know how you struggle with the siren call of molten chocolate lava!” That said, your journey made for damn fine reading. I’m expecting a running post hard on the heels of this little jaunt. Go grab the neighbor’s dog and suit up, pal…. 😉

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    1. Shameful I had never heard of them. I am them, they are me!

      Being between Scylla and Charybdis is an idiom deriving from Greek mythology, meaning “having to choose between two evils”. Several other idioms, such as “on the horns of a dilemma”, “between the devil and the deep blue sea”, and “between a rock and a hard place” express similar meanings.

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          1. It really was. I loved every minute of it…my teacher was *phenomenal* (and is a friend to this day) and it really cemented my love of language (and helped my vocabulary immeasurably). A particularly fond memory…we translated the process for mummification and then used it to mummify a Cornish game hen. Yes, I was a nerd. 😉 My brother followed behind with 4 years as well, and he said the knowledge he gained was really a boon in med school.

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  6. Esam has to see this, so he knows he’s not the only one. Now he comes up with excuses to go alone, comes back in from the back door, and texts one of the kids to open the door for him. The cooperate to put it all away before I see it 😏

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  11. You and my husband would be dangerous at Costco – he finds such tastings irresistible, and largely explains why two adults living with children now in homes of their own, still have two fridges…

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  14. This post and the responses are hysterical! He texts the kids to open the back door–I love it! My husband just comes in through the garage and puts things away before I see them. But he’s happy, and tries to get things that I like, too.

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  17. Ha ha…Love this. I was laughing just at the title. I feel your pain, DK. In bad weather months, I use places like these huge warehouse stores for exercise. I can get away without a purchase (mostly), but those samples….ugh.

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  26. I liked your post. I would die if I ate that stuff, seriously. I suffer far too much to be the least bit tempted. Gluten intolerance. Lactose intolerance. In fact I was just saying to husband Chris this afternoon as we steamed veggies and made miso and our simple lunch, “I don’t even resent it anymore. The pain is simply not worth it.” But glad you can still have some food fun! 😀

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  30. David,
    This post described my recurring weekend jaunts to Costco with my chaperone! Loved it. She did too. Have a great Christmas. Lmk when you are in LA. Clint

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  33. I love the image of “the stink eye”. Makes me shudder slightly. If you’re like me the early days of December can be a bit miserable, as my darling spouse thinks we will enjoy Christmas more if we endure a few days of penance beforehand. So we turn off the alcohol and eat lots of plain stuff. You did well to pack a few tasty titbits into the hamster pouches to sustain you through the misery.

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  36. Funniest thing you’ve ever said just may be “I’m generally not invited on Costco runs due to some Priors, some unfortunate displays of lack of self-control, some poor judgment, followed by regrets: “It won’t happen again.” and kudos for the use of Scylla and Charibdis which I have always used myself. Still laughing as you say…

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  37. Hahahaha…Man, its a perfect Bulletholes post. You beat me to it.
    I get in trouble for dancing with the vegetables.
    And those cream puffs? If you get like 8 boxes you can make a Croquembouche.
    I’m not sure how you sneak 8 boxes out though.

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  38. Such great writing…Ha,ha, I am a smiling….read this out loud to the sweet man and he said Cream Puffs? Costco doesn’t have Cream Puffs, I said I think in the frozen section…Your post is an instant classic!!! Being Gluten Free the samples have little to offer for me, cry, cry as I do crave some of the delectables (like the salmon chowder soup refrigerated in front of the dairy room…I am surprise no mega pack of Kirkland TP? You didn’t stop at books and calendars? Have you ventured into the land of Costco.com? (I believe they offer book downloads for less then others) They are marketing new items daily for the Twelve days of Christmas…and yes i bought a few items prior to Thanksgiving online for Christmas and the gifts are tucked away…. The sweet man and I share a Cesar Salad from the food court when we venture into the land of Abyss…I also want to personally thank you for helping to drive up the share price of Costco stock! I bought at $26.00 and I wish I would have had the money to purchase more than I did! Currently sitting at $152.00….

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  44. David, this is by far the funniest thing you have ever written! You could easily substitute my husband (whose name also happens to be David) and I for you and your chaperone. I am a master of the stink eye and my husband is a master of ignoring it! Thanks for the laughs!!

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  46. Oh David, I saw you. Thank you eating all the whipped cream. I’m still having tummy burns and tears in my eyes from laughing so hard all the way to the last scolding. I needed to laugh tonight.

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  48. It’s De. 22nd, and this post appeared in my reader again. It is no error.
    This morning I send Don (ALL BY HIMSELF) for the final Costco run of the season. This is serious business, requiring flight of foot and a keen eye!

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    1. He made it through the first gadget hurdle with ease. (10 points)
      Found the required beef and texted me to confirm that the major purchase was a success.
      Alas, in the jubilation he got distracted into the bakery section … and then found his way back to paper napkins and dog food.
      He texted me at 10.10. Done.
      Still a good time despite the distractions of the course.
      … so how come he didn’t get home until after noon?
      I think he did his Santa run.
      😎☺️😀

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  49. That was a hilarious read, David. I wished my own husband had a bit more of your “stray” tendencies. He clasps his short shopping list, goes after ONLY those items, doesn’t look left or right to look for any other goodies, so he can get the hell out of there and go to another store that he really likes (motorcycle shop?).

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    1. Hi Annette. I would hug him – what discipline. The problem with me is that I stray all over the place for shiny edible sweet things, and then also run to my equivalent of the motorcycle shop (electronic gadgets – men with their toys)!

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